The first step is to take inventory - what is going on in your relationship and why? It is critical to identify the internal workings of your relationship and your persistent communication patterns. These paterns run deep and have a tremendous impact on how each discussion tends to go. You might already be aware of the communication grooves that run deep in your long-term relationship.
The fact is that your relationship is in its current state due to the sum total of things that were said and things that were done in the past. When you look back over the past few weeks, identify the tone and the trend in your relationship communications. Were the past few interactions respectful? Constructive? Healing? Or, not so much? If you continue on your current trajectory, then where you will your relationship be?
Explore Your Communication Patterns
Many couples settle into a predictable pattern in their communications. How would you characterize your communication pattern?
Do the same set of issues keep coming up repeatedly?
Or is it multiple issues that seem to defy resolution?
Are you able to talking civilly about the key issues?
Or has communication all but shut down?
Are your love's core values significantly different from your own?
Are you truly compatible in likes and interests?
Are you truly on the brink?
The Most Important Element
What's most important right now is to decide whether you both truly want to reconcile. Without that joint commitment, the relationship is on shaky ground. And even if you both want to reconcile, do you want to reconcile with the same relative intensity? This indicates the level of balance in your relationship. If one is very eager to reconcile and the other one is indifferent, your relationship is on very uneven footing. Resolve this difference before you move forward with your reconciliation efforts.
Your relationship affects every dimension of your health and happiness; it makes a great deal of difference when you are happy and secure in your relationship. So what will it take for you to get your relationship back on track? If you are truly on the brink, step back and think. Take some time, get some perspective.
What values matter to both of you (e.g., honesty, fidelity, compassion)?
What is truly at stake here? What does your relationship mean to you?
What was you life like before this relationship?
How has this relationship benefited you?
How have your lives become intertwined?
What do you see in your future?
Where to Start
Key aspects of your relationship need to be explored through calm, considerate conversation. Core values hold the key to your relationship; if your core values are aligned it significantly increases your chances of success.
Another step involves re-opening the lines of respectful conversation. Having a calm,issues-oriented conversation can shed new light on your on-going relationship problems. Think back to the last time that you had a curious considerate conversation? Now set up a conflict-free zone where any issue can be brought up in a non-combative manner. Dedicate 30 minutes to get to the bottom of each issue with no interruptions. If you are unable to resolve an issue in a single session - decide together what your options are going forward, including:
Let it go
More discussion
More research
Resolve it.
If more information is needed, set a date and time to proceed. Both of you need to agree to wait until that assigned time to bring this particular issue up again. Both of you need to commit to an ambush-free zone. You will discover that when you establish a safe communication environment, many more relationship issues can be discussed and resolved BEFORE they erupt into a full-scale argument.
If you are working through a relationship break up - or if you are trying to avoid one - respectful communication can make a big difference in your outlook and in your results.
Just Say No to the Status QuoTM
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