How To Stop Being Hurt By Other People

There is a saying, look to yourself for the cause and solution to all your problems. This is a very interesting saying because it has many meanings.

The first is the obvious, to see what you have done wrong to cause the problem. This is easy to apply, see what you did and accept responsibility then correct your mistake.

Next we have another view which is to see how you are getting more upset or angry than the situation deserves and that negative emotion is causing you many problems that are mainly in your imagination and needless. You may be holding on to an event that has long since past and become irrelevant, but you keep the anger alive in your own mind. Accept it is done and gone, then release it and you will be fine.

But now I would like to present a third interpretation of my own which I discovered based on the following thought. If you wish to understand a species, you must study one or more of the individuals of the species, This is how all scientific discoveries about nature and animals has been documented. In this way I apply the saying as a way to solve all our emotional problems that have to do with other people. There is very little in our life that does not have another person involved so really this can apply to anyone.

When we get hurt by the actions of another person, we must examine the reasons for their actions in order to resolve our pain. We search for the answer to 'How could someone do that?' so we can let go of the pain. The pain really comes more from the confusion and frustration of this question rather than the actual event. Remember that the real reason may not be the obvious or surface reason. Animals kill each other because they are hungry, it is not because they like to kill. Nature makes us hungry and we have no choice but to serve that master. Find the real cause behind all events rather than just what it looks like.

Resolving the riddle of how a person can act in such a harsh way, not keep their promise, break the trust, etc. will allow our pain to heal. And here I would like to present the method to do this.

We will use the scientific method, study the species to understand the reason and cause for an individual’s actions. I can tell you now that the solution to healing your pain is in understanding the true reasons for a persons actions. Now let us find those reasons.

We begin with accepting reality rather than defend and believe in lies and delusion. But first we must define reality and lies.

1 The reality about humans; They are unreliable, fragmented, self-centered, etc. You know what people are like, I do not need to detail the list.

2 You are a human and subject to doing the same things as all other humans. By studying yourself you can understand the species.

3 People will not look at themselves honestly and in detail. We all lie to ourselves and ignore the facts of our own actions. By so doing we will never see the truth of people because we are living in denial about the reality of what we ourselves are. If we accept that all people are a certain way, then we would also have to accept ourselves as being that way. Since the truth is so ugly, people prefer to live in denial of their own true nature and thus are faced with perpetual confusion about other people’s actions. This is explained in my book, All Is Mind under the topics of Fragmentation and Buffers, which topics I will briefly explain now.

Fragmentation is the principle that you are not one unified whole being. You are in fact thousands of little fragments of yourself, each almost identical to each other but with some little unique difference. An example is when you cannot make a simple decision; should I wear the red shirt or the blue one. Such a simple choice, but you cannot decide. This is a moment of two fragments fighting, one who likes red and the other who likes blue. You can imagine how much fragmentation effects your life.

Let’s extrapolate this to every promise anyone makes. One fragment promises and then another fragment takes control of your consciousness later on and has no interest in keeping the promise, but desires something else. It is after all, a different person, even if it came from the same source. Not many siblings of the same parents, brought up in the same house have totally identical desires and feelings. This is how promises are broken or forgotten, one fragment to another.

Add to that the changes we go through in desires and aversions as we age from a toddler to elderly. Nothing stays the same, including some things we like or dislike. Since fragments come from the same source, meaning they are all fragments of the same person, they will share many likes throughout your lifespan, but there will always be slight differences and changes over time. This is self evident with a simple observation and the reason it is so hard to see fragments but rather think yourself whole.

Buffers are those cushions or ‘cloak of invisibility’ which help you hide your true feelings and actions from yourself. If you think you are a very prompt person but in fact you are always late, you will find a new excuse each time. The traffic was terrible, there was an accident, my watch must have stopped for a while even though it is running now, I had to read that web site even though it was irrelevant, the floor had to be swept, etc. There is no end to the excuses that you will use to justify your repetitive lateness to avoid seeing the truth that you are in fact not reliable when you desire to believe you are.

Because of fragmentation, and buffers which prevent us from seeing that we are fragmented, we cannot correct the problem within our self, nor will we be able to study our self to understand the human species, without effort or help at least.

Self observation with total objective clarity is the way to understand why a human will do the things they do which we consider totally unacceptable. When you can see yourself for what you really are, you will be able to change yourself. You will also cease to be shocked and hurt by the actions of others since you will understand that they do not have any power to act otherwise. This is why I never ask anyone to make a promise, I know it is impossible for a human to keep a promise long term. This way, I never get hurt or disappointed.

You may not like this and insist that it is not correct or should not be that way. It may be true that this is not a good system, but it is how it is. Our emotional pain comes from rejecting and denying reality. It is not the thing that happened which keeps the pain alive, it is the rejection of the reality that this is actually something humans cannot help. Study yourself and then you will see what we are. If you can accept what you are, then you will accept and understand others. We are all the same, it is just a matter of degree.

Delusion is thinking that a human can keep a promise. That is not possible and you know it. Certainly we can keep some promises but rarely the ones that project long into the future. Too many things change in the world, our life and the things we deal with. As I mentioned above, we age. As that happens, our thoughts, desires and feelings change as well. We all change. That is reality, and with that change, what we were so sincere and certain about that we promised to do forever has also changed. This is simply the process of nature in an ever changing world and universe.

When we accept reality, we can have trust and yet not feel hurt or disappointed when the trust is broken. It is our own fault for projecting the capacity of consistency on a totally unreliable creature. Look to yourself for the cause and solution to your problem. You lied to yourself and believed that lie, now the truth has come out. The pain is not that a person broke the trust, but that you are faced with believing a lie you lied to your self. You wanted to believe people can keep a promise yet you knew it is not possible to guarantee that.

Objective study of humanity, beginning with honest study of oneself brings freedom through truth. But of course we close our eyes and expect everyone to be honest and reliable and keep their promises, so we blind ourself to the truck coming straight at us and get run over.

I believe we can truly and freely love and be in a successful relationship only when we accept the reality of our own self and our own weaknesses and thus those of others. You cannot buy a 20 year old Russian Lada and expect it to run like a new Rolls Royce. But that is exactly what we do with ourselves and other people, we expect total reliability from a very unreliable vehicle, and when it breaks down we curse and wonder how could this happened because it should not! By the way, even Rolls Royce breaks down.

The truth is not pleasant or pretty but accepting it without imagining it could or should be different gives a state of mind that is peaceful yet not closed, and ready to move forward with life as it is where you are.

Funny enough, this method is not going to make you cold or closed, rather it is in trying to believe a lie that keeps your heart closed. There is a wise part of us, one we rarely use, which knows the truth and does not fall for the lie. That part wants to protect us, but we fight it and insist that we know better. Subconsciously, our heart is kept slightly closed all the time, as that wiser part of our being tries to keep at least a little protection from the inevitable.

On the other hand, by fully accepting the truth of humans, and the lack of ability to be completely reliable, our heart opens because we accept our self and others as we are. There is no more lie to hide from, no more false expectations and if the trust is broken, we will not be as badly hurt.

The third benefit is that if we do truly accept ourself and others, all the grasping and clinging attachment that usually pushes a person away will not be required. We can finally love and live in a relaxed honest relationship.

The result will be that promises will be kept simply because there is no pressure and we will not be forced to jump fragments by needing buffers to avoid our past actions. If you can be so accepting of reality, the energy will be calm and accepting and only then can your heart open to love and be loved, fully.

Self study requires using a part of our being which is more than just human, our higher consciousness awakens to study our lower ego. By using that part of our being, we become more aware of our self. When we know how we function, seeing our fragmentation and to the best of our ability to see the buffers and self lying justifications, we can find freedom in the reality of what we can expect to happen. It could be said simply as this; 'Play by the rules and you will enjoy the game. Ignore the rules and you get penalized and have to sit it out watching everyone else play and have a good time.'

When you see the truth about yourself, how you do not, and in fact probably could not, do what you have expected from another person, then you cannot be hurt when they themselves do it. There are many good old sayings which if we actually put in some effort to understand, would change our life.

I regard children's fables as highly as ancient texts in this case, since they sometimes both carry equal value. I will end with two great sayings.

'Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can never hurt you.' and;

'Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.'

And just for those of you who are really good at hiding from the truth, painting a glass house with black paint or with master artistry to make it look like bricks, will not change it from being glass.

David Samuel is The Entrepreneur Monk, a rag to riches story making his 1st million at 25 based on understanding the mind and emotions.
Your mind makes you a success or failure, business skill is only a small part.
Retiring at 29, he travelled for many years.
David resolved the riddle of why we do what is bad for us yet do not do what we know is beneficial and teaches that very effectively.
Read more about David EntrepreneurMonk.com

Learning to Control Your Emotions

How many times have emotional outbursts destroyed a life or career? Our emotions can either work for us or against us depending on how we handle them. Gaining control of your emotions is a practice which requires maturity and experience. We have to learn to recognize the emotions which seek to propel us into action and respond accordingly rather than to react as they tell us which is often not good. We can’t prevent emotions but we can choose to not allow them to cause us to perform negative behaviors. Yes we will be affected by emotions and initial reactions but learn how to exercise control over your mind.

We have to learn not to be ruled by our emotions. Once we master this we will do better in every aspect of life. For example, the grifter or scam artist uses your own greed against you when they scam you. They have no weapon against you so they stir up the greed that is present in all of us in order to get us to take the bait that they place in front of our eyes. If you are not ruled by greed, or if you can control your greed and be objective about the situation you will never be scammed.

The pimp makes his workers feel insecure and dependant on him. If they ever realize that they can become self serving they will no longer fall for his tricks. People who like to manipulate others usually do so by attacking weaknesses in their self esteem. Have you ever seen people who thought that they knew everything? Knowledge is power so if they can appear to be more intelligent they can use feelings of low self esteem against the people that they control. When you are knowledgeable and aware you can’t be intimidated by these people.

The first thing that we need to learn to do is to avoid negative triggers. For example avoid that person who knows how to make you feel bad. Whether you realize it or not that is their way of subjecting you to their will because they can successfully cause you to react to an emotion rather than to truth.

Avoid negative situations, and places. When I was young I hung out with the wrong crowds only because my self esteem was low and I wanted to be seen as a cool person. This did absolutely nothing to help me in life because I did not use those years wisely. I wasted so much of my valuable time with the wrong endeavors until I got so far behind in life I could never catch up.

Don’t dwell on bad situations. It is what it is so you just have to deal with it. Just thinking about the bad thing in your past won’t do a thing to make it any better. Dwelling on past issues is just a waste of time.

Learn to do the opposite of what the situation dictates if you have to. When a person, place, or thing makes you feel like crying do the opposite and laugh instead. When you feel small around others look them directly in the eyes as you address them. You don’t have to challenge them nonverbally just show confidence, even if you have to fake it until you get it right.

One very important thing which we all need to learn is to be inner directed. Don’t allow the actions of others to control the way that you think and act. You must take direct control for your own actions. Remember the person who seems to have it all together has just as many doubts as you. They are better at not showing them.

Last but not least of all you need to learn to take time to think before you react. There are many people in prison now because they didn’t do just this. Many careers have been ruined and so have lives. If we all took the time to think first before we give in to our emotions the world would be a much better place. Riceland Enterprises

Cedric Rice is the founder of Riceland Enterprises, which is composed of several different business ventures. This company is currently located in Georgia.
Riceland Enterprisesof several web sites that Mr. Rice owns and operates which is oriented towards consumers along with Military Ring Express, and Fragrance Oil Express

Forgiveness Begins With You

Being betrayed by a loved one can leave you feeling angry, unwilling to trust again and angry. You may also suffer a blow to your self-esteem and most devastating of all, heart-break. The pain of heart-break is so intense that you feel as if you are losing your mind. Having a deep love for someone will make the pain you feel after the betrayal and hurt that much more intense. Betrayal can occur in any type of relationship.

However, to fully move on with your life either with the individual who had betrayed you or by yourself, forgiveness is key. You maybe familiar with the following statements, “Forgive the other person, in order to move on”; or, “Forgiving the other person is not about them”; and “Forgiveness is about you”. All of those statements imply on a conscious level that you need to forgive the other person before you can move on. On a subconscious level, all those statements ignore you and they do make forgiveness about the other person. The encompassing and accurate statement is, “Forgiveness begins with you”.

When you have experienced the betrayal of a loved one it is easy to get caught up in seeing what they are doing or not doing. You may complain to anyone who will listen and your friends being as sympathetic as they are will listen and empathize and even get angry with you. They too will help you to lament the betrayal of the other person. The truth is, you are not really angry at what the other person did, you are angry that you were there in the first place. But because it is so painful to admit your position in the relationship you focus on the behaviour of the other person who had betrayed you.

In no way is this discounting the betrayal of the other person. However, after you have complained sufficiently, it is time to take a look at you. We are our biggest critic. The betrayal may hurt deeply, but not as much as how we are beating up on ourselves. You hate yourself for loving the person, trusting the person and believing in him or her. Hatred, especially self-hatred, is a poisonous emotion. We beat up on ourselves instead of crying. You want to be strong. You don’t want to lose control. You are adamant about not allowing someone to make you break-down. As long as you take that stance, you will never mend your heart or the relationship. Right about now, you maybe thinking that you do not want the relationship anymore and rightly so. For as long as the pain is still in your body, you will not want anything more to do with the person or the relationship.

For those who have forgiven others in order to let go and move on, if they have not done the proper healing and forgiving, all they have done is suppress the betrayal. They may have felt that they have forgiven and moved on, but on a subconscious level they haven’t. For you to truly heal and move on, forgiveness begins with you. Forgive yourself first. It does not begin with forgiving the other person. Forgiving someone else is not your responsibility. It is their responsibility to forgive themselves. This maybe the reason why some individuals have a difficult if not impossible time forgiving those that betrayed them. If you have not forgiven yourself first, there is no way you will be able truly move forward in your life. You will be stuck in the pain, anger and hurt. How do you begin forgiving yourself?

How do you heal? Well, you need to feel the pain of the betrayal. Before forgiveness happens, there has to be healing. Crying is pain leaving the body. Therefore, crying is cathartic. Feel the pain of your hurt. Write out your thoughts. You also should not go through this alone. Call upon a trusted friend who will be loving, understanding and also objective to help see you through the pain. It is okay to call someone else to talk to if you feel that a particular individual is not being supportive. If the pain is too much to bear please see a Professional who is trained in these matters. There is nothing to ashamed of. Your emotional health takes precedent over any societal stigma. You are also not under any obligation to share your decision to see a Professional with families and friends who may criticize you or look down on you. If your family or friends are criticizing your decision to see a Professional, out of love for your health it is ok to stop sharing with them. Take long or short walks out in nature to help clear your head. Being out in the open with the sounds of nature can also be healing. If you love to dance, listen to music, or anything else artistic and creative, by all means utilize those avenues to assist in your healing. The brain responds to creative stimulants.

Only you can know when the pain is out of your body and it is only then will you be ready to forgive yourself, grow stronger and become more powerful within yourself. Once you have forgiven yourself, you have released any need to forgive the other person. It is up to that individual to work on forgiving themselves for their behaviour. When you have forgiven yourself, you are not holding any pain, anger or grudge within you. You are now free.

Trudy-Ann Ewan is a Motivational Speaker, Author and Coach, who is passionate about helping individuals create their passionate life. She motivates and educates individuals on how to fall in love with themselves and create a balanced and (w)holistic life by developing a better relationship with themselves without judgment. Download a free sample copy of her new E-Book “Unleashing Your Passionate Self - Discover the YOU Within” when you sign up for the free Create Your Passion Monthly Newsletter at: http://www.createyourpassion.com

How To Forgive and Let Go f The Past

Forgiveness and letting go of the past is empowering and freeing. You do it for you and not to let others "of the hook". Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

How to forgive?

When I was younger I used to say that I can forgive but I can't forget, and in a way that's good advice if it is understood correctly. I could easily leave people behind who had done me wrong, and by not forgetting what they did I usually didn't make the same mistakes twice, and by forgiving I could easily let them go from my life even if they had been very close to me. I learned and moved on.

Of course there were often tears and it was sometimes heartbreaking, but I knew that I would get over it, and I also knew that the faster I could do that, the better for me. If you have decided not to have a particular person in your life anymore, then what good does it do you to keep crying over it, sometimes for years?

When you understand that everything that happens to you serves a purpose, you can see it as something that has a blessing somewhere, and your job is to find it. Then it's easy to forgive.

There have been people in my life who have done me horribly wrong, and I have been able to give thanks for later, silently, within my heart. I could do that because it helped to shape me into the person I am today. That is not the same as saying what they did was okay-it's the ability to see through the eyes of your soul. It's something that needs to be done within you; there is absolutely no need for you to go to the people who hurt you. Just feel forgiveness in your heart. The universe hears you, and that will be enough.

Just feel forgiveness in your heart. The universe hears you, and that will be enough.

I have done harm to myself, too, and I am sure you have also. You must forgive yourself, and do it now. Even after we have promised inwardly that we are going to live our life differently from now on, we sometimes fall into the old ways of thinking and acting, and it is very important that you give yourself a new chance. Make a new decision, and do better next time.

Some things will take longer, but each time you get a little bit closer, a little more determined, a little clearer about how you really want to be or live and what kind of person you want to be in the world.

You grow into your own being, you learn to trust yourself, and the more you begin to really love yourself the more respectfully you will treat yourself. You have to become your own best friend, and it's much easier if you give yourself a break. Learn and learn again until you get it, but don't beat yourself up ever again. Doing that is insane, if you think about it.

If all this sound very difficult for you, I'll share a technique that helped me to get clear with my past.

For me it had to do with my need to know why I didn't remember everything in my childhood, and I was a bit obsessed by needing to know why; but now I know it's a blessing that I don't remember everything. Obviously I had a reason for memories to be repressed, and I no longer need to know. I don't care anymore.

This technique was very helpful to me so that I could let go.

I suggest that you set a day and place where you can be alone, where no one can disturb you, and start to write the story of your life. Write it in third person. When I wrote it I began like this: "Maria was born in Sweden by such and such parents. She was very much wanted and her mother has told her that when Maria was born, the doctors told her that Maria might become a piano player because she has such long fingers...." and so on.

Write until you feel you are empty. Write all the way from the day you were born to where you are now.

Write the things you remember, and don't force yourself to remember things that you have suppressed. Sometimes things you haven't thought about in years come up again, but just keep writing. Don't get stuck anywhere. If you do get stuck somewhere, just continue and write about the next thing that comes to mind.

Write about every single thing you can remember, or what others have told you about you, even the silliest things; I mean everything you can think of. When you write in third person, you are able to take a step back and observe your life from a distance, and it becomes easier to revisit difficult experiences.

You will probably feel exhausted by this exercise; it takes a lot of energy to cleanse and clean your energy system-but it's worth it.

You absolutely must intend to do this exercise with the goal of leaving your past where it belongs and never look back again. Are you ready for that? If you are, then go ahead.

Intend to do this exercise with the goal of leaving your past where it belongs and never look back again.

This process was a huge breakthrough for me, because it allowed me to take a step away from the drama and the conflicts that still felt real to me still even if most of them happened years ago.

I could be the observer of my own life. I realized that I don't have to know about my past in order to know me as I was then. I wrote like never before, I cried my eyes out, and I really let it all out. I wrote for hours and hours; the words just came by themselves.

The pain wanted an outlet, and this was a really powerful process for me. For a few nights I woke up and cried, not knowing exactly why, but I did know it had to do with the process of letting go and by letting myself experience everything fully I cleansed myself completely.

This was a process of letting go, forgiving, and accepting what had happened throughout my life. It left my whole being through the tears I cried and the words I wrote.I hesitated about putting this into the book, because I no longer believe that we need to go to the past for anything because life itself, as it is in this present moment, presents to us all the contrast we need. Where you have been, what you have done or experienced in your life is not important; what's important is where you are going.

Where you have been, what you have done or experienced in your life is not important; what's important is where you are going.

But because many people still have a bad relationship with their past, I have chosen to share this releasing technique. At the time I went through it, it was good for me; that was one of the ways I finally was able to let go and release my past hurts. Maybe it can help you, too. If you decide to do this, then totally let go and let the process happen.

Permit yourself be vulnerable in these moments and know that your guardian angel is there beside you, comforting and soothing you, healing and protecting you. You don't need to go back and read what you wrote, to dwell in the rawness of it. I saved my writings for a while because I thought I could use it as book material someday.

About a year later I read it, and it was all okay. After that I burned it. But I think you can just go ahead and burn it right away; that's what I would have done had I known more about how we store energy by holding onto it.

If you feel that you have let it all out, if you feel emptied and relieved, then you are ready to move on. So just do it, and don't look back. Your past is dead.

So just do it, and don't look back. Your past is dead.

Forget about your dysfunctional family when you were growing up. See them as they are today; allow your sisters and brothers, cousins, parents, and the grandfather who wasn't there for you to be seen as they are today.

If they have not improved or grown as humans since your childhood, why hold on to some romanticized picture of how a family should be?

I guess your older sister doesn't hit you the way she used to anymore, does she? And your brother doesn't steal your candy anymore, does he? I know these are only "little things", but you know where I'm heading at.

Ask yourself why you keep the past alive. Do you keep yourself as a needy child (even if you are forty years old today) who needs an apology or recognition for the pain they caused you? Be honest with yourself. Know this truth: that before you can get that from them, you need to be the one who forgives.

Give what you seek, because on a deep spiritual level, we are all one, so you are really forgiving an aspect of your self. I know that is hard to accept, or even understand. But I'm telling you what has worked for me.

If I can do it; so can you.

If you believe your past has any power over you, then that is what you are going to experience. If you tell yourself you can't forgive because that would be the same as saying the things they did to you were okay, you are holding yourself down and unconsciously preventing yourself from being the magnificent being that you are.

You are making yourself shrink, while blaming others, refusing to let go.

Even if the people died years ago, some may find it very difficult to let go. I have had people accuse me of saying it is okay to rape somebody, just because I have forgiven my molesters. Those people are still holding themselves in the grips of their attackers, but now the attacker is a mind-made thought only, years after the actual event. And that's how people become bitter and even hateful.

Keeping these thoughts alive is not necessary. It is safe for you to let go. You are not saying it was okay to treat you the way you were treated. You are taking responsibility for your own well being by not hurting yourself anymore. The energy of you being a victim has only created more to feel victimized about. We attract what we feel, so the more you feel like a victim, the more you get to feel like a victim.

The energy of you being a victim has only created more to feel victimized about. We attract what we feel, so the more you feel like a victim, the more you get to feel like a victim.

Now that you are powerful and willing to move on, you will inspire others to do the same. If you choose to you can begin to use your past experiences for the greater good, and you will be someone whom others can lean on and turn to in the freshness of their own negative life events.

You will be able to guide them to a better way of handling whatever difficulties they are facing, because you have been there and you know the way out. You will participate in the healing, and your support will be priceless.

You lead the way when they can't see it.

If you don't choose to share your past experiences with the world with the intention of using them for the greater good, that's perfectly fine. No matter what you choose you will automatically send out a positive vibration when you change from feeling like a victim to one who has forgiven and moved on.

Other people will sense that, and at the same time you are using your energy to participate in co-creating a new world without even doing anything particular.

Your energy vibration has changed because you decide to let go of your past. Thus as you have changed, so has the world.

Sugar Daddie For Me

It can be tough nurturing a small one all on your own. Even if the other mom or dad is involved in the child's life, you are still handling your end completely by your lonesome. Now, this is certainly a common feat that's tackled daily in our today's day world. The entire single mom or dad raising a youngster has been done and done over again. However, what about dating questions for single parents? This is an issue that often goes unaddressed. Are you a one parent who dates? Or should be you one that exclusively avoids the dating game, and routinely has since you and your husband/wife split? One thing is for certain; dating for single family members is nothing like it was back Whether I was a child. So much has changed concerning the notion of communication.

Back while i was around five years of age, my father split up. It's the same old subject we've all heard time and time again. It's so cliche in fact, that it almost makes me shake my head and snicker. Fundamentally my father was dissatisfied, and decided to pursue another mother who shared his marital alienation. In no time at all, my father was telling my mother that he was leaving her for another female. Does this sound cliche yet? Why didn't the dude just buy a sports car like many men do when they hit the age of 40? Anyway, my mother did the thing that many disgruntled mothers do; she took us three kids and ran. There was no way in hell that she was going to let my father have us. The Humorous thing was that this was back in the 80s; therefore the courts agreed with her having custody. Many years later my mother had still not dated a single man. The world of dating for single parents was unknown to her. She told me once Whether I was in university that it was troublesome to find a man Whether you already have three children. This made me sad to say the least. On some level my father ruined her life. Regardless, not every single parent has to endure a life of solitude. There is such a thing as dating for single mom & dad. You just have to get out there and take a look at what's readily available. Actually you don't have to go anywhere at first. You see, it all begins online.

Isn't it time you explored the world of dating for one mom & dad? Hop on your laptop and check out the plenty of sites that offer online dating. In no time at all you could be chatting it up with other singles just like yourself. Dating for single parents Can exist, and all you need is a computer to get started.

Jewela Anders invites you to visit your best quality original Sugar Daddy For Me dating site for massive exposure to the high-traffic http://www.sugardaddyforme.biz. When you visit SugarDaddyForMe.biz, your dates will be hand picked by you. Find your Sugar Daddie and find a rich sugar daddie today. To setup a free membership account today Visit: http://www.sugardaddyforme.biz

On the Brink of A Relationship Break Up? What To Do Next

If you are now facing rocky times in your relationship, you could very well be on the brink of a break up. What can you do to bring it back?

The first step is to take inventory - what is going on in your relationship and why? It is critical to identify the internal workings of your relationship and your persistent communication patterns. These paterns run deep and have a tremendous impact on how each discussion tends to go. You might already be aware of the communication grooves that run deep in your long-term relationship.

The fact is that your relationship is in its current state due to the sum total of things that were said and things that were done in the past. When you look back over the past few weeks, identify the tone and the trend in your relationship communications. Were the past few interactions respectful? Constructive? Healing? Or, not so much? If you continue on your current trajectory, then where you will your relationship be?

Explore Your Communication Patterns

Many couples settle into a predictable pattern in their communications. How would you characterize your communication pattern?

Do the same set of issues keep coming up repeatedly?
Or is it multiple issues that seem to defy resolution?
Are you able to talking civilly about the key issues?
Or has communication all but shut down?
Are your love's core values significantly different from your own?
Are you truly compatible in likes and interests?
Are you truly on the brink?

The Most Important Element

What's most important right now is to decide whether you both truly want to reconcile. Without that joint commitment, the relationship is on shaky ground. And even if you both want to reconcile, do you want to reconcile with the same relative intensity? This indicates the level of balance in your relationship. If one is very eager to reconcile and the other one is indifferent, your relationship is on very uneven footing. Resolve this difference before you move forward with your reconciliation efforts.

Your relationship affects every dimension of your health and happiness; it makes a great deal of difference when you are happy and secure in your relationship. So what will it take for you to get your relationship back on track? If you are truly on the brink, step back and think. Take some time, get some perspective.
What values matter to both of you (e.g., honesty, fidelity, compassion)?

What is truly at stake here? What does your relationship mean to you?
What was you life like before this relationship?
How has this relationship benefited you?
How have your lives become intertwined?
What do you see in your future?

Where to Start

Key aspects of your relationship need to be explored through calm, considerate conversation. Core values hold the key to your relationship; if your core values are aligned it significantly increases your chances of success.

Another step involves re-opening the lines of respectful conversation. Having a calm,issues-oriented conversation can shed new light on your on-going relationship problems. Think back to the last time that you had a curious considerate conversation? Now set up a conflict-free zone where any issue can be brought up in a non-combative manner. Dedicate 30 minutes to get to the bottom of each issue with no interruptions. If you are unable to resolve an issue in a single session - decide together what your options are going forward, including:

Let it go
More discussion
More research
Resolve it.

If more information is needed, set a date and time to proceed. Both of you need to agree to wait until that assigned time to bring this particular issue up again. Both of you need to commit to an ambush-free zone. You will discover that when you establish a safe communication environment, many more relationship issues can be discussed and resolved BEFORE they erupt into a full-scale argument.

If you are working through a relationship break up - or if you are trying to avoid one - respectful communication can make a big difference in your outlook and in your results.

Just Say No to the Status QuoTM

Check out Donna Marie’s new book at http://www.BouncingBackFromLoss.com

Looking to bounce back from a break up? Checkout the e-book: “Bouncing Back From A Break Up : 7 Essential Steps to Creating a Newly Empowered You” available now at http://www.BouncingBackNow.com/store

3 Reasons Why You Should Avoid Discussing the Past in Arguments

One of the mistakes we all make in our arguments and disagreements with loved ones is bringing up the past. How many times have you been talking to your partner about an important issue, in a pleasant tone, only to have them raise their voices and complain about events that happened ages ago? Or perhaps you're the one who can't focus and constantly references past events. Either way, it's a bad habit that needs to be broken. Here are 3 reasons why you shouldn't bring up the past in arguments.

1. It creates resentment

Every time you bring up that thing your husband did 3 years ago, it not only derails the discussion, but it creates a lot of resentment. Being unable to forgive someone for the past means you're constantly rejecting that part of them. People make mistakes, it's a fact. In other for healing to occur you have to learn to let go. The next time you feel the urge to bring up something that isn't related to the discussion, stop it! You'll find that you are able to communicate much more effectively and your partner with appreciate that too.

2. It prevents the real issue from being discussed

If you're arguing about something, then it's obvious there is an underlying issue. It may not be what you think it is, but it exists nonetheless. Every time you bring up the past, you prevent discussion of what's really going on. In order for anything good to come out of a disagreement, the real issue must be kept in mind. Forget about why you started arguing, and you'll spiral off into a mindless mud slinging fest.

How many times have you forgotten the real reason that you're arguing? People can get so angry about the past that the actual reason for the argument in the first place gets completely covered up. You talk about his fling with your friend before you met, he says you have a crush on his best friend, and you find yourself so deep in mud that you can't move an inch. No movement means no progress. Watch out!

3. Your argument will never get resolved

The natural side effect of not discussing the real issue and continually bringing up the past is that the argument will never get solved. It will keep lingering on in your relationship, like a horrible chronic migraine that won't leave you alone. Worse yet, each time it returns, you probably won't even discuss the real issue. It will have been covered up by layers upon layers of past issues that also probably weren't solved for the same reason.

It's clear that in order to effectively communication, you have to remain on point. You can't keep bringing up the past and expect progress. Some of the natural outcomes of this include the build-up of resentment, prevention of key issues being discussed, and a complete lack of real problem solving. If you have an argument, focus on what it's about and solve it! The quicker you do that, the faster you can get back to what's really important: love.

Fred Tracy runs a personal development website where he shares his tips and insights about anything from inner peace and spirituality to finances and finding your purpose.

Truth Behind Why Men Cheat On Their Wives!

So why do men cheat on their wives? There are many answers to this question and a lot of times, it's not exactly what women would like to hear, such as men are biologically wired to seek out as many suitable partners as possible or because they're not getting as much action at home or it's due to the reason that his wife refuses to try new things, there could be many reasons along these lines.

These arguments might be true in some circumstances but not all the time. What we're going to do is to look a little deeper into the whole relationship dynamics of a typical marriage to analyze what might have went wrong.

Everyone has their own image of an ideal relationship with their partner and what it would look and feel like. However, the reality is that at certain times you may feel that you've given your partner all that you can give, yet you wonder what more could you give to prevent them from cheating.

To get a better understanding of this, let's look at the 80/20 ratio and how it relates to marriage expectations and commitments. The rule states that many times you may have felt that you're giving 100% to the relationship, but this might only account for 80% of the ideal relationship that your partner had in mind. That means 20% of what you're doing might not be aligned with his picture of a perfect marriage where all his needs are satisfied.

Of course, this is not your fault as there is hardly a marriage where both partners can fully satisfy each others every need at 100%. Thus, a lot of room is needed for compromise. You may also consider whether your husband can provide for 100% of your own needs.

This is not to say that, since you can't provide that extra 20% that his more inclined to find someone else who can. Generally men are quite happy and satisfied with being with a wife who could provide for 80% of all his needs, and he may have no motivation to seek out someone else who could only provide that extra 20%.

The only time, which a man might be tempted to seek that missing 20% is when the situation and opportunity presented itself for him to experience what it's like. And so he will feel that someone you could not offer him that 20% which he's missing, therefore, he'd be more inclined to see in other women.

This 80/20 ratio is not something that's scientific it's simply a tool to illustrate the point that marriages is an agreement for an exchange in needs and value between two people, whereby each person fulfills certain needs of the other.

A truly lasting marriage will involve each person aspiring to work towards providing and fulfilling every aspect of their partners needs until that 20% is fully accounted for. Many cheaters would come to discover too late that instead of seeking out another person, they could have worked on that 20% that they felt was missing with their spouse.

That's why many people who've committed an affair, would've regret their rash decisions and realized that they've risked losing that 80% of fulfillment that their partner can provide for a measly 20% from someone else. For those who feel neglecting in the area of perhaps, excitement or fun from something new, and searched to fulfill that need by cheating, that "fun" really isn't all the cracked up to be, when they realized the rift in the relationship that they've caused.

If you're suffering from an affair, experiencing a lack of attention to your needs, unable to communicate with your partner, losing trust and feeling insecure about your marriage then this one program on how to survive an affair can save you from this pain and heart ache, please visit http://www.howtosurviveanaffairblog.com to find out more.

Guide To Dealing With A Cheating Husband! Forgiveness And Improvements!

Want a quick tip on how to survive an affair? Then this article will hopefully be of some help to you. When an affair has caused your marriage to fall apart you need to examine who now has the power to decide whether this marriage will work or not. And in most cases the power resides in your hand, but then naturally you can't simply move on with your life in this marriage knowing that your partner has committed an affair.

So we know that it's very devastating and painful to realize that your marriage didn't turn out to be what you thought it was. The sheer amount of shock and resentment can easily drive your whole marriage into ruin. This doesn't have to be the case if you choose it not to be.

As you read this post you will have a renewed idea of how to move on forward with your marriage by examining some of the underlying feelings you may be experiencing as a direct result of your partner cheating and what the idea of forgiveness can mean to you.

So what does an apology mean to you when the act of cheating is so painful and devastating that it leaves your mind filled with fear, resentment, disgust, anxiety and not knowing whether you should trust them ever again? The first slat in the bridge towards forgiveness is receiving an apology from your partner, and they rightfully owe an apology. Period.

Unfortunately some victims of an affair may never hear an apology from their spouse, and if you haven't received one yet there may be a certain feeling inside of you that's forcing you to hold everything back and stopping you from moving on. You may feel that you're unable to move forward because you're still waiting for your cheating spouse to come out and admit his/her guilt and responsibility. In other words, you have the feeling and the need to be recognized as the victim.

In truth everyone wishes that it was that easy to escape from that painful memory, as you're constantly replaying those horrible images in your head. You may wonder if hearing the word "I'm sorry" from your spouse would mean anything, after what has been done.

The simple truth is that all your efforts to get attention and seeking ways to get your feelings across to your partner is your way of putting forward that you are the victim and you have been hurt through this ordeal. For most people who are victims of an affair, there is a constant need for them to play the role of the victim at all times, and thus they're unable to move past this point.

So once it has been established that you're partner realized that they have caused you pain, which may come in the form of them saying "sorry" you need to gauge whether this is enough and then quickly move on towards the healing process. The problem that most people have is that they need the constant validation of their pain, and they will constantly feed that feeling of pain through seeking some form of recognition that they're the victim.

Now, I'm not saying that you should forget about the amount of pain, anger and anxiety that the affair has caused you, neither am I saying that you're not the victim in this instance. Too many people have the misconception that forgiveness equates to forgetting and in fact this is not the case, as you can probably never forget what has happened, but you can still forgive and move forward in your relationship where the past can be a huge motivation for improvement.


If you're suffering from an affair, experiencing a lack of attention to your needs, unable to communicate with your partner, losing trust and feeling insecure about your marriage then this one program on how to survive an affair can save you from this pain and heart ache, please visit http://www.howtosurviveanaffairblog.com to find out more.

What Matters To You

What Matters To You
By Heidi Cornelissen


See all articles by Heidi Cornelissen
Average:
0
Your rating: None
Share |

I forgot a friend’s birthday this month. A friend that I’ve known for over 20 years.

I really have no excuse, as it just so happens that 7 birthdays of close friends and family fall in the first week of January. So I’m usually prepared for this week and quite aware of each birthday on each day. But this year, I slipped up with her birthday which fell on the Saturday.

So, early on the Sunday morning (my time) I received a text message asking, “Are you OK? Just wondering why you forgot my birthday.”

I felt terrible!
But at the same time also a little in awe at her response. She was concerned, not angry.
She could’ve been hurt, upset or chosen to sulk with me, but didn’t. Instead her initial reaction was the question “Are you OK?”

Why I particularly noticed this was because I’ve come across the flip side of this situation. I’ve seen someone who received multitudes of Facebook messages, calls and emails on her birthday – choose instead to focus her attention on being angry at the one person who hadn’t contacted her.
Aren’t we funny beings?

It’s a fact that when you’re remembered, you feel important and that you matter. You feel that you’re worth remembering.
To better understand this, ask yourself, ‘When you’ve been forgotten, how do you feel?’
But remember, as always that in every situation you have a choice as to how you behave. Although you may FEEL hurt, THINK they’ve forgotten you – your response to all of this is your CHOICE.
Yes - A conscious choice.

So how do you react when you feel hurt or hard-done-by?
Is it because you feel that others don’t treat you correctly? They don’t treat you as you feel you ‘should be’ treated? Should be treated according to your own standards and expectations.

It’s a natural part of our human existence to have expectations of others. (Remembering friends’ birthdays is one of them). With my coaching clients, this often comes up as one of many self-imposed ‘rules’ for being good.

But once again, as with behavioural choice, how you handle the expectations you place on others says more about you than the actual event or interaction does. For example, the way my friend responded to me says volumes more about her love, compassion, understanding and maturity than it does about my forgetfulness. Or about the fact that I could be considered a ‘bad friend’.
Her first point of call was concern and love. She assumed something had happened instead of engaging in a pity-party with herself. She felt no need to subtly ‘punish’ me. Calling this punishment may strike you as being extreme, but if you’re honest you’ll admit that it’s not an unfamiliar response to feeling hurt.
Humans are for the most part sensitive creatures who feel hurt quite easily. If you’ve taken something on board and feeling hurt, have a look at how your perception of yourself has been quashed. It is natural instinct to want to make yourself feel better.

Feeling like this merely means that you’re allowing someone else’s opinion about who you are to matter more than your own opinion. You’re allowing yourself to believe that you’re (a) unliked (b) unwanted (c) unaccepted (d) not good enough (e) unimportant or (f) anything else that may be relevant to you.

The sad truth however is that being hurt often develops (an oftentimes subconscious) need to retaliate.
Retaliation can range from simple gossiping or sulking to pre-meditated revenge.
Sounds a bit like a playground doesn’t it?

Take this opportunity to have a look at how you behave in circumstances of hurt:
• How do you choose to respond?
• Is there currently anything that you feel ‘hard-done by’? Does it serve you or can you let it go?
• What expectations do you hold regarding how people should treat- and think about you?
• Where are you choosing to invest your energy and focus? Is it worth it?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to approach things with Love & Compassion as an instinctual response instead of spending so much energy protecting yourself from hurts?
Dr Wayne Dyer often says “What other people think of you is none of your business”.
It’s important to rely on your own self. To build your own trust.

Stephanie Dowrick says that inner trust makes the difference to being happy. Not only trust in what the world can see, but in who you most fundamentally are; a being of intrinsic value.

I’d add onto that and say that inner trust makes all the difference to happiness, success, love, personal freedom and authenticity.
And aren’t these the things that really matter, instead?

Stephanie Dowrick explains further that ‘Building trust from the inside out, self-knowledge frees you from the prison of self-absorption and the pain of constant self-questioning.’
Doesn’t that add value to the childhood saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words (or behaviours) can never hurt me’?

How would you like to change your pre-conditioned playground behaviour and rather build firm foundations based on who you really are – valuing all the parts of yourself?
Give yourself permission to be everything. Even the forgetful part!
And then, miraculously, from that platform your first instinctual reaction to feelings of rejection or hurt becomes love, concern and compassion for others.

Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.
John N Mitchell


Find out more about Completely Human with its services & products on www.completelyhuman.com.

Keys to Reconciliation

The first thing that you must do is to divorce your mind of all hostility. Hostility in your mind will come through in your conversation, attitude, and demeanor even if you try to hide it. The best way to handle this is to just divorce your mind of all negative thoughts about the person that you want to reconcile with, even if you feel that they are justified. Find good qualities in that person and focus on them. If it takes you a while to clear your mind then take all of the time that you need. We all have good and bad points. Just remember that you have your bad points also.

The person whom you are attempting to reconcile with may have negative thoughts and emotions for quite a while. You need to learn to expect this and work around it. You will have to be patient and understanding. Your patience will quench the fire of their anger over a period of time. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. This is not the issue in reconciliation and it would be a mistake to focus on this. You may want to eventually broach the situation by making a statement like: Tell me what I need to do or change for you and I will try to do it. Now if the response that you get is unreasonable you may want to let the subject drop and broach it again at a later date. Don’t even ask this question if you are not totally committed to reconciling. After you friend or mate has let you know you can pick up the ball and ask them if they would be willing to change for you. You must have demonstrated your commitment by working hard on the relationship during the time lapse between your initial attempts to make it right and the present.

This is the time that you will truly find out if your friend sees the relationship as important. Any person who is serious will begin to work with you at this point in time. Allow the person some space in making their decision and don’t push to get your way.

A permanent reconciliation requires a permanent change. Remember that there are still triggers which remain which caused the problem in the first place. You must learn to identify them and neutralize them. For example, if the problem was that one of you was not fiscally responsible then that is the problem which needs to be avoided. The mechanism which you use to do this should be known and agreed upon by both parties.

Don’t be afraid to admit your shortcomings. Nine times out of ten this is the biggest roadblock to reconciliation. We must admit our problems before they can be dealt with. If we are not willing to face up to the facts we will never be able to solve our relationship problems. You can’t change if you won’t admit that you need to change. Neither will your friend.

Every bad situation has a trigger. When you feel that you are being pushed towards that point you must recognize the trigger and choose to overcome it. That may mean choosing not to become angry, upset, or depressed. The battle is in your mind. Riceland Enterprises

Cedric Rice is the founder of Riceland Enterprises, which is composed of several different business ventures. This company is currently located in Georgia.
Riceland Enterprisesof several web sites that Mr. Rice owns and operates which is oriented towards consumers along with Military Ring Express, and Fragrance Oil Express

Tap into the Magic of Making Up

“There's nothing better than make-up sex,” Joe's friends tell him. Joe and his wife, Elizabeth, had a huge argument a couple of days ago.

He wasn't completely honest about where he'd been and she found out. She became jealous after discovering Joe's lie and accused him of cheating. Joe pointed out that this is exactly why he lied about meeting a female business associate for lunch-- because Elizabeth gets jealous so easily.

He defended that he was just trying to avoid causing Elizabeth worry and was also trying to prevent a big blow up like this one.

The whole thing ended with Elizabeth throwing Joe out of the house...at least for a couple of days while she clears her head. It's been a couple of days since their argument. Joe called Elizabeth and she agreed that he could come home so that they can talk.

Joe is nervous. He knows from past experience that making up after a fight can, at least temporarily, bring them closer together and-- to agree with his friend-- he and Elizabeth do tend to make love more passionately just after they've made up.

However, Joe doesn't know how many more big blow ups their marriage can handle. He wants to make up with Elizabeth in a way that will last and also to figure out how to be close and passionate with one another without having to fight first.

There can be real magic in making up after an argument or disagreement.

You may have experienced this in your own love relationship or marriage. When you and your partner offer and hear heart-felt, sincere apologies, the closeness is keenly felt. It is delicious to feel that re-connection between you and your love after some kind of resolution has been reached.

The real magic, however, is not so much in the “make up” sex or the tender hugs and loving words. The magic is in a reconciliation that helps you, your partner and your relationship actually grow.

It can mean the difference between truly moving closer together as a couple and only temporarily calling a truce on those relationship dynamics that tear you two apart.

Here are some of the potential benefits of making up and how you can open up to them...

A deeper understanding of yourself.
As you think back to the events that led up to the disconnection, disagreement or blow up that happened between you and your partner, you have an opportunity.

You can fixate on everything that your mate did that was “wrong,” “out of line” or “hurtful” or you can acknowledge what you BOTH did.

Let us be clear here...

We're not saying that the fact that your partner lied, put you down, cheated or whatever it is that he or she said or did was okay and that you need to forget about it. What we are encouraging you to do is to be aware of what you did too.

Try to gain a deeper understanding of why you acted or reacted in the ways that you did to the situation. What were you feeling and what were the beliefs that drove you to make the choices you did in the situation?

Try to set aside your judgment about who was “right” and who was “wrong.” Instead, focus in on what motivated you and what your past and current needs are.

It could be that you need more attention, respect, a feeling of connection, information or some form of support. Identify what your specific needs are and how they may have played a role in your choices to act and react in the ways that you did (and possibly continue to do).

The dissolving of relationship walls.
By knowing your needs and better understanding your motivations, you can acknowledge to your partner your share in what happened. When either (and hopefully both) of you own your role in the disconnecting dynamic, the walls and distance between you can dissolve.

The trick here is to take responsibility for your share of the dynamic with honesty and integrity. Don't try to assume “blame” for everything that happened. At the same time, resist the urge to point out all of your partner's habits that seem to you to have led to the situation or argument.

When one or both of you feel attacked and defensive, more walls come up. In much in the same way, when one or both of you are guilt-ridden and trying to assume sole blame, walls and resentment can also form.

None of this will help you and your partner move closer together and reconcile in the way that you want to.

If you feel like your mate is not taking responsibility for his or her share of what happened, be honest about that. You could talk about how you felt when your partner said or did __________ as a way to express your emotions about the choices that your partner made.

“I feel” statements are an effective way to be honest about your experience of what happened (and is possibly still happening) without pushing your version of the story on your mate.

As you and your partner stay in tune with yourselves and speak about what is true for each of you and also express your needs, you can have a sharing and listening breakthrough. You can both feel heard and better understood. You can both feel like your perspective is respected, even if it is different.

This kind of making up requires awareness, patience and persistence. The more you practice communicating in this way, however, the more you will feel the real magic that is possible in a close, connected relationship.


Susie and Otto Collins help people create more connected, loving relationships and are the authors of the communication programs: Stop Talking on Eggshells and Magic Relationship Words, among others. For a free report from Susie and Otto about how to reverse what you don’t like in your relationship, visit Relationship Reverse Report

How To Deal With Angry And Negative People

We often come across people who for no good reason treat us badly, not that there is ever a good reason. People who behave in this way, who attack verbally or on a personal level are really seeking acknowledgment and approval within themselves. By outwardly pushing they are trying to attain a level of completeness in themselves. For example, as you cross the street someone unjustifiably honks in anger, where does this come from and why is it directed at you? It makes you feel bad but what it really is, is this other person pushing outwards because they are in need. If someone acknowledges you with anger, thrusting negative energy at you, know it is from inside themselves that they are not happy. This other person knows they need something; they are unsatisfied and are then frustrated. You are dealing with someone who is basically screaming for help through their actions.

They need and want approval of who they are, believing if they get a reaction out of someone they will feel better. But of course all they are really doing is throwing anger and negative thoughts onto others. Their frustration level is so high at life, at themselves, at not knowing why, that it spills outwards. Now usually the response they receive is worse than they put out and it feeds the cycle. When a neighbor is rude do you not feel the same response wanting to get out, that because they were rude, so it is justified in you? You can see the spiral of unhappiness and how it feeds on itself. Instead, look at the random acts of anger and frustration you feel from others as not personal, it is not directed at you intentionally. Instead, if you can, see it as a sadness overflowing from that person, that they so need acknowledgment and help that this is their only method of coping. And that is all it is- a method, one of relating with the world in an effort to feel better. True, it has the opposite effect and doesn’t really give that person what they need. But for you, when you relate to this other person, when you feel their anger and judgment, just remember it is not you but rather them that is feeling it all.

They are full of sadness entrenched so deeply that they are coming from a place without clarity and do not fully see you. How can you help them? This is the best way to help yourself; smile and let their comment or action slide off. Do not take in the anger, do not return it, do not let it become more than it is. It is their problem spilling outwards. Calmly realize this, that it is not about you but them. When you can come from a place of acknowledging their issues it becomes easier to deal with these types of people. It is not your job to take this from people, a smile and letting go is all you need. If they see their anger not being accepted, not turned around and thrust back at them but rather a small moment of kindness, it may stop them in that moment- they will feel it. Instead of holding it in or giving it back, simply smile and walk on. It will make it easier to deal with these types of people and not let their negativity override and become part of you.

I found myself from a very early age always seeking, on a constant quest to understand. I feel most comfortable learning and this desire correlates with a need to connect and help others. That is why in the beginning I chose acupuncture as a career, it seemed like a perfect fit. But I found a lack of compassion directed towards the center of being, not only in myself but others. I ended up in a situation that changed all this. I found who I was and who I am meant to be. It all clicked and came together. My desire for knowledge and eternal desire to really see and help others has brought me to this place in time, to this place with you. Allow me to help you feel complete, like stepping into that perfect spot, that place meant for you in your own life. Connect and feel the difference not only in yourself but in world around you.
Receive guidance and insight to your questions about how to become your true self, understand your destiny, and find peace at Answers in Writing.

3 Tips to Overcome Divorce Drama and Pain

You're angry. Royally pissed off some, or most, of the time. You were not supposed to be divorced. Especially not at this age - after everything you've been through.

You're knocked on your ass, want to get up and move on but can't. Why? Because you've fallen into the deep divorce drama ditch. And its hard to climb out - especially when you unknowingly keep digging deeper and deeper.

How? For protection, you've hidden your heart away and your head is running amok spewing babblecrap back atcha. There's hurt all around. Hurt people, hurt people. Including themselves.

Since you're not ready to consider your role in tanking your marriage, you're looking to blame others.

He's a rat bastard who only thinks about himself!
She just doesn't understand me!
He doesn't listen to me anymore!
All she cares about is the money!

The list of complaints and harsh criticisms I've heard my clients bitch about is endless. The list I held onto during my own divorce is nearly identical. None of it addresses the real cause of the breakdown. None of it provides any help in rising above and healing a wounded heart.

The noise, intensity and pain is ratcheted up to an even louder volume once the attorneys get involved.

"I know what i think i saw and
what i thought i seen
and what was coming
and what was going
and everything in between
and what i thought i heard you say
and what you really said
and what i thought you thought i thought
was actually in your head

and what you meant to tell me
and what i meant to say
and what i said you said i said
what went the other way

I know what you did to me
and i know what we did
and who did what to who
and who the hell're you trying to kid

I know more you think i know
more than you think about
and know and think you know and think
you got it all figured out

i know i'm missing something
somethings missing here and there
all over and over around
and up and everywhere

- from "Wrap My Head Around That" - Lucinda Williams

Truth is, we have no clue what's really going on inside someone else's head. How often have you expressed your truth instead of your anxiety? For God's sake, be honest! For most people, the answer is hardly ever. There's a good chance you're so disconnected from your truth you forgot what it looks like.

How often have you listened for understanding instead of for argument? When have you listened at all - I mean really listened instead of loading your own clever and brutal retort and getting it ready to fire once your spouse takes a breath.

Its scary to say what you really feel and mean. Often we don't even understand what's going on within us. All we know is we don't like it - and it's the other person's fault. So mean nasty words are exchanged with very little understanding.

The truth is, to communicate effectively you have to be willing to stand naked and raw in your truth. It's hard, I know it. Its hard enough stand alone naked in front of your mirror showing every wrinkle and bump of your outsides. Baring your inner wrinkles and bumps is quite another.

Here's another truth: What makes you vulnerable is what makes you beautiful - when you have the guts, the balls, the moxie to show it.

Instead you say, "you don't care about me'. What's really going on is you expected someone else to take care of your needs even though you haven't communicated them in a way they could be understood. What's underneath 'you don't care about me' is 'I don't care about the real me enough so I need you to care about me."

You scream, "you don't listen to me anymore'. What's really going on is you're not listening to the voice of your true self. You're only tuned into the crap your Inner Critic vomits in your head day in and day out. Forget about expressing your truth, your vulnerability. You're just complaining about bullshit - not about what's really important to you deep down inside.

No one else can make you feel loved, beautiful, whole and understood. That's an inside job. To disconnect from your divorce drama - and pain - you have to do 3 things:

1. Reconnect with and claim your truth. Figure out who you really are and what you really want. I guarantee you, where you create drama and feel pain is where you're disconnected with your true self. And what you really want isn't a new shiny thing - in diamond or human form.

Without judgment look for the truth in your relationship. What was your role in creating the issues and problems that resulted in your divorce? You went through that hell so you might as well go back and get the gifts in the lessons learned.

2. Learn how to express your truth calmly in a way it can be heard and understood. Say what you mean, mean what you say, without being mean. Speak about how you feel instead of just what you think. Specifically, say "When I heard you say (whatever), I felt (how you really felt)".

3. Learn how to maintain your personal boundaries while honoring another's. Make it clear what are your bottom line boundaries. Make sure you understand and make room for your spouse's bottom line boundaries. Not maintaining personal boundaries most likely contributed to your break-up. Define and honor your personal boundaries throughout your divorce and beyond.

For example, if public humility is a deal-breaker let that be known. And honor that agreement yourself. If that boundary is crossed, act accordingly. If you don't you strike a blow at yourself. Distinguish what is a deal breaker and an error. Screwing your sexy best friend and blabbing the news to your inner social circle - deal breaker. Forgetting to call you about the fired gardener - not a deal breaker.

I encourage you to muster up your moxie to be real, be heard and be willing to be vulnerable - no matter what! When you do, you'll know what it means to have a loving relationship with your self - the foundation for a loving relationship with another.

The good news is I'm happily married in a loving relationship with real communication that honors one another's personal boundaries. If I can enjoy such a relationship so can you.

Valery masterfully teaches people to have what she calls Moxie - the conviction to be real, be heard and be willing to be vulnerable - so that they can transform emotional and coping behavior such as compulsive shopping, excessive cosmetic surgery, bitching and blaming, meaningless sex, stress and drama, into a meaningful life well lived, from the inside out. She offers a private, exclusive, fiercely confidential concierge level of service for her elite clientele. Get free eBook: SCREW Coping, LIVE! at http://www.MoxieTherapy.com

The Reason that we need to Forgive

Learning to forgive others is something which I wrestled with for quite a long time. I was the type person who would hold a grudge for years if I had to, and my favorite saying was: “I’ll get even if it takes a thousand years.” This attitude didn’t help me at all except that I thought it helped me to maintain some sort of personal sense of justice. The negative emotions which I carried around with me affected my overall attitude and made me a person that others didn’t desire to be associated with. My conversation was always about some imagined or real injustice which someone had committed on me. To be perfectly honest people just didn’t want to hear it.

The bible says that if you don’t forgive others God won’t forgive you. I really believe that the reason that he won’t forgive you is that whenever he comes close to you he smells the garbage that you are holding in the form of negative emotions and he can’t stand to hang around the stink.

Whoever is right or wrong is not the point when it comes to learning to forgive. Whatever was done is done and unless you can turn back the hands of time there is absolutely nothing that you can do to erase it. So the bottom line is that you just have to deal with it and move on. It is what it is so deal with it.

Holding on to negative emotions serve to hinder you and keep you from reaching your true potential. The negative emotions are like weights to a sprinter. They don’t help at all. You need to drop the weights so that you can pick up speed. Don’t allow these things to stop you. Don’t allow betrayal or hurt to overcome you. Your attention needs to be on the goals that you want to achieve not old problems which have nothing to do with anything. This thought makes me remember the famous Kentucky feud which had been going on for many, many years. When someone asked one of the combatants why they were fighting he couldn’t even remember what the fight was about or when it began. Old hurts are the same type of scenario. The person who hurt you has probably forgotten about it and is living their life. Why should it continue to bother you?

Remember that you are not the only person who has been wronged by others. I’ll bet you everything that I will ever have that there are people out there who have had far worse experiences than you and didn’t allow the situation to bother them so why should you?

Nothing can hurt you in life until you decide that you will allow it to. You are in control of your mind and you need to decide the terms of your life. Anger can’t take hold in your mind unless you allow it to have a space. Bitterness will have to keep moving unless you provide a campsite. You have the capability to be in control so you need to take control.

You may have to deal with one negative emotion at a time but you need to be honest and identify the place that you give to negative feelings before you can overcome them. One thing that I try to remember is to have an opposite reaction to the one that the bad situation attempts to dictate to you. If a bad situation makes you feel like crying you should try to laugh instead. I remember a stressful work situation which we were in when I was in the military. We were all tense when one of the Sergeants cracked the corniest jokes ever told. It worked because it made us all laugh and even though it didn’t change the reality it helped us to deal with it in a more relaxed manner. Riceland Enterprises

Cedric Rice is the founder of Riceland Enterprises, which is composed of several different business ventures. This company is currently located in Georgia.
Riceland Enterprisesof several web sites that Mr. Rice owns and operates which is oriented towards consumers along with Military Ring Express, and Fragrance Oil Express

Learning to Control Your Emotions

How many times have emotional outbursts destroyed a life or career? Our emotions can either work for us or against us depending on how we handle them. Gaining control of your emotions is a practice which requires maturity and experience. We have to learn to recognize the emotions which seek to propel us into action and respond accordingly rather than to react as they tell us which is often not good. We can’t prevent emotions but we can choose to not allow them to cause us to perform negative behaviors. Yes we will be affected by emotions and initial reactions but learn how to exercise control over your mind.

We have to learn not to be ruled by our emotions. Once we master this we will do better in every aspect of life. For example, the grifter or scam artist uses your own greed against you when they scam you. They have no weapon against you so they stir up the greed that is present in all of us in order to get us to take the bait that they place in front of our eyes. If you are not ruled by greed, or if you can control your greed and be objective about the situation you will never be scammed.

The pimp makes his workers feel insecure and dependant on him. If they ever realize that they can become self serving they will no longer fall for his tricks. People who like to manipulate others usually do so by attacking weaknesses in their self esteem. Have you ever seen people who thought that they knew everything? Knowledge is power so if they can appear to be more intelligent they can use feelings of low self esteem against the people that they control. When you are knowledgeable and aware you can’t be intimidated by these people.

The first thing that we need to learn to do is to avoid negative triggers. For example avoid that person who knows how to make you feel bad. Whether you realize it or not that is their way of subjecting you to their will because they can successfully cause you to react to an emotion rather than to truth.

Avoid negative situations, and places. When I was young I hung out with the wrong crowds only because my self esteem was low and I wanted to be seen as a cool person. This did absolutely nothing to help me in life because I did not use those years wisely. I wasted so much of my valuable time with the wrong endeavors until I got so far behind in life I could never catch up.

Don’t dwell on bad situations. It is what it is so you just have to deal with it. Just thinking about the bad thing in your past won’t do a thing to make it any better. Dwelling on past issues is just a waste of time.

Learn to do the opposite of what the situation dictates if you have to. When a person, place, or thing makes you feel like crying do the opposite and laugh instead. When you feel small around others look them directly in the eyes as you address them. You don’t have to challenge them nonverbally just show confidence, even if you have to fake it until you get it right.

One very important thing which we all need to learn is to be inner directed. Don’t allow the actions of others to control the way that you think and act. You must take direct control for your own actions. Remember the person who seems to have it all together has just as many doubts as you. They are better at not showing them.

Last but not least of all you need to learn to take time to think before you react. There are many people in prison now because they didn’t do just this. Many careers have been ruined and so have lives. If we all took the time to think first before we give in to our emotions the world would be a much better place. Riceland Enterprises

How To Stop Being Hurt By Other People

There is a saying, look to yourself for the cause and solution to all your problems. This is a very interesting saying because it has many meanings.

The first is the obvious, to see what you have done wrong to cause the problem. This is easy to apply, see what you did and accept responsibility then correct your mistake.

Next we have another view which is to see how you are getting more upset or angry than the situation deserves and that negative emotion is causing you many problems that are mainly in your imagination and needless. You may be holding on to an event that has long since past and become irrelevant, but you keep the anger alive in your own mind. Accept it is done and gone, then release it and you will be fine.

But now I would like to present a third interpretation of my own which I discovered based on the following thought. If you wish to understand a species, you must study one or more of the individuals of the species, This is how all scientific discoveries about nature and animals has been documented. In this way I apply the saying as a way to solve all our emotional problems that have to do with other people. There is very little in our life that does not have another person involved so really this can apply to anyone.

When we get hurt by the actions of another person, we must examine the reasons for their actions in order to resolve our pain. We search for the answer to 'How could someone do that?' so we can let go of the pain. The pain really comes more from the confusion and frustration of this question rather than the actual event. Remember that the real reason may not be the obvious or surface reason. Animals kill each other because they are hungry, it is not because they like to kill. Nature makes us hungry and we have no choice but to serve that master. Find the real cause behind all events rather than just what it looks like.

Resolving the riddle of how a person can act in such a harsh way, not keep their promise, break the trust, etc. will allow our pain to heal. And here I would like to present the method to do this.

We will use the scientific method, study the species to understand the reason and cause for an individual’s actions. I can tell you now that the solution to healing your pain is in understanding the true reasons for a persons actions. Now let us find those reasons.

We begin with accepting reality rather than defend and believe in lies and delusion. But first we must define reality and lies.

1 The reality about humans; They are unreliable, fragmented, self-centered, etc. You know what people are like, I do not need to detail the list.

2 You are a human and subject to doing the same things as all other humans. By studying yourself you can understand the species.

3 People will not look at themselves honestly and in detail. We all lie to ourselves and ignore the facts of our own actions. By so doing we will never see the truth of people because we are living in denial about the reality of what we ourselves are. If we accept that all people are a certain way, then we would also have to accept ourselves as being that way. Since the truth is so ugly, people prefer to live in denial of their own true nature and thus are faced with perpetual confusion about other people’s actions. This is explained in my book, All Is Mind under the topics of Fragmentation and Buffers, which topics I will briefly explain now.

Fragmentation is the principle that you are not one unified whole being. You are in fact thousands of little fragments of yourself, each almost identical to each other but with some little unique difference. An example is when you cannot make a simple decision; should I wear the red shirt or the blue one. Such a simple choice, but you cannot decide. This is a moment of two fragments fighting, one who likes red and the other who likes blue. You can imagine how much fragmentation effects your life.

Let’s extrapolate this to every promise anyone makes. One fragment promises and then another fragment takes control of your consciousness later on and has no interest in keeping the promise, but desires something else. It is after all, a different person, even if it came from the same source. Not many siblings of the same parents, brought up in the same house have totally identical desires and feelings. This is how promises are broken or forgotten, one fragment to another.

Add to that the changes we go through in desires and aversions as we age from a toddler to elderly. Nothing stays the same, including some things we like or dislike. Since fragments come from the same source, meaning they are all fragments of the same person, they will share many likes throughout your lifespan, but there will always be slight differences and changes over time. This is self evident with a simple observation and the reason it is so hard to see fragments but rather think yourself whole.

Buffers are those cushions or ‘cloak of invisibility’ which help you hide your true feelings and actions from yourself. If you think you are a very prompt person but in fact you are always late, you will find a new excuse each time. The traffic was terrible, there was an accident, my watch must have stopped for a while even though it is running now, I had to read that web site even though it was irrelevant, the floor had to be swept, etc. There is no end to the excuses that you will use to justify your repetitive lateness to avoid seeing the truth that you are in fact not reliable when you desire to believe you are.

Because of fragmentation, and buffers which prevent us from seeing that we are fragmented, we cannot correct the problem within our self, nor will we be able to study our self to understand the human species, without effort or help at least.

Self observation with total objective clarity is the way to understand why a human will do the things they do which we consider totally unacceptable. When you can see yourself for what you really are, you will be able to change yourself. You will also cease to be shocked and hurt by the actions of others since you will understand that they do not have any power to act otherwise. This is why I never ask anyone to make a promise, I know it is impossible for a human to keep a promise long term. This way, I never get hurt or disappointed.

You may not like this and insist that it is not correct or should not be that way. It may be true that this is not a good system, but it is how it is. Our emotional pain comes from rejecting and denying reality. It is not the thing that happened which keeps the pain alive, it is the rejection of the reality that this is actually something humans cannot help. Study yourself and then you will see what we are. If you can accept what you are, then you will accept and understand others. We are all the same, it is just a matter of degree.

Delusion is thinking that a human can keep a promise. That is not possible and you know it. Certainly we can keep some promises but rarely the ones that project long into the future. Too many things change in the world, our life and the things we deal with. As I mentioned above, we age. As that happens, our thoughts, desires and feelings change as well. We all change. That is reality, and with that change, what we were so sincere and certain about that we promised to do forever has also changed. This is simply the process of nature in an ever changing world and universe.

When we accept reality, we can have trust and yet not feel hurt or disappointed when the trust is broken. It is our own fault for projecting the capacity of consistency on a totally unreliable creature. Look to yourself for the cause and solution to your problem. You lied to yourself and believed that lie, now the truth has come out. The pain is not that a person broke the trust, but that you are faced with believing a lie you lied to your self. You wanted to believe people can keep a promise yet you knew it is not possible to guarantee that.

Objective study of humanity, beginning with honest study of oneself brings freedom through truth. But of course we close our eyes and expect everyone to be honest and reliable and keep their promises, so we blind ourself to the truck coming straight at us and get run over.

I believe we can truly and freely love and be in a successful relationship only when we accept the reality of our own self and our own weaknesses and thus those of others. You cannot buy a 20 year old Russian Lada and expect it to run like a new Rolls Royce. But that is exactly what we do with ourselves and other people, we expect total reliability from a very unreliable vehicle, and when it breaks down we curse and wonder how could this happened because it should not! By the way, even Rolls Royce breaks down.

The truth is not pleasant or pretty but accepting it without imagining it could or should be different gives a state of mind that is peaceful yet not closed, and ready to move forward with life as it is where you are.

Funny enough, this method is not going to make you cold or closed, rather it is in trying to believe a lie that keeps your heart closed. There is a wise part of us, one we rarely use, which knows the truth and does not fall for the lie. That part wants to protect us, but we fight it and insist that we know better. Subconsciously, our heart is kept slightly closed all the time, as that wiser part of our being tries to keep at least a little protection from the inevitable.

On the other hand, by fully accepting the truth of humans, and the lack of ability to be completely reliable, our heart opens because we accept our self and others as we are. There is no more lie to hide from, no more false expectations and if the trust is broken, we will not be as badly hurt.

The third benefit is that if we do truly accept ourself and others, all the grasping and clinging attachment that usually pushes a person away will not be required. We can finally love and live in a relaxed honest relationship.

The result will be that promises will be kept simply because there is no pressure and we will not be forced to jump fragments by needing buffers to avoid our past actions. If you can be so accepting of reality, the energy will be calm and accepting and only then can your heart open to love and be loved, fully.

Self study requires using a part of our being which is more than just human, our higher consciousness awakens to study our lower ego. By using that part of our being, we become more aware of our self. When we know how we function, seeing our fragmentation and to the best of our ability to see the buffers and self lying justifications, we can find freedom in the reality of what we can expect to happen. It could be said simply as this; 'Play by the rules and you will enjoy the game. Ignore the rules and you get penalized and have to sit it out watching everyone else play and have a good time.'

When you see the truth about yourself, how you do not, and in fact probably could not, do what you have expected from another person, then you cannot be hurt when they themselves do it. There are many good old sayings which if we actually put in some effort to understand, would change our life.

I regard children's fables as highly as ancient texts in this case, since they sometimes both carry equal value. I will end with two great sayings.

'Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can never hurt you.' and;

'Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.'

And just for those of you who are really good at hiding from the truth, painting a glass house with black paint or with master artistry to make it look like bricks, will not change it from being glass.

David Samuel is The Entrepreneur Monk, a rag to riches story making his 1st million at 25 based on understanding the mind and emotions.
Your mind makes you a success or failure, business skill is only a small part.
Retiring at 29, he travelled for many years.
David resolved the riddle of why we do what is bad for us yet do not do what we know is beneficial and teaches that very effectively.
Read more about David EntrepreneurMonk.com

Coping With A Break Up Isn’t Easy, But Here Are Some Secrets That Will Help

Dealing with a bad breakup can be one of the worst things you’ll experience in your life. However, there are things you can do to deal with a break up. Time is a great healer, but if you need that extra push in the right direction then follow these tips:

Coping With Break Up Tip #1 To start with, take some time for yourself and learn to enjoy being on your own. Chances are, it would be very tough right now to see your ex-girlfriend, so make sure you keep your distance. Go on a vacation or just stop talking to her completely--anything that will get you away from her while the breakup is still fresh. If you try to speak to her then it will likely make it harder and more difficult to deal with the pain of break up. If there are places you might run into your ex then don't go to those places.

Coping With Break Up Tip #2 Getting things that bring back memories of her out of sight and therefore out of mind is a key factor to helping you move on. Trash all old photos that remind you of her and any presents she got you while you were together. I know that it may not be practical to throw out everything that reminds you of her, but at least put it in a box and stash it away in the closet or somewhere that you won’t find it easily. It's very important to not think about your ex-girlfriend after a break up so you need to get rid of reminders or at least hide them out of sight. Make sure that anything left is given to her by a friend or in the mail.

Coping With Break Up Tip #3: Finding time for friends and family who love you is key at this point after a break up. Having great friends to be there for you will help you ease back into single-life again. Try to make an effort to visit your family on weekends perhaps. While you were in a relationship you probably had less time for them, so try to rebuild those connections now. It's possible that they might even offer help if you're struggling after breaking up.

Coping With Break Up Tip #4 Next is to make sure you channel your emotions properly. Who created the myth that men can't cry? Release your feelings trapped inside. Working out is a great way to release any hurt feelings, as too is writing down what you're feeling in a journal. You must always remember that it's perfectly healthy to express your emotions in these ways as long as you don't hurt others or yourself in the process.

Coping With Break Up Tip #5 The final step is to improve yourself and increase your self-confidence after a break up. Make the most of the break up to start doing things that you’ve wanted to do for a long time, but maybe you just never got around to because you were in a relationship or just didn’t have time for before. Maybe you could put in some overtime at the office and earn that promotion. Maybe this is a great chance to sign up for those Spanish classes you’ve been thinking of for a few months now. Working on improving yourself is a great way to help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence following a breakup. You will be able to start your life again and feel fantastic if you do things you love.

You probably won’t recover from your breakup overnight, but with a little patience and attention to putting yourself on-track for a better life, you’ll find that things get easier every day. It's always hard to cope with the pain that often comes after getting dumped. Taking these steps to move on is the first thing you need to do and make a better life.

-----------------

If you found this article helpful and you'd like to learn more about how to get over a girlfriend, check out the website Get Back My Girlfriend, which is full of great relationship advice tips and resources.

Steve Steiner enjoys helping men deal with the conflicts and challenges they experience in relating with women and helping them form successful relationships.