3 Reasons Why You Should Avoid Discussing the Past in Arguments

One of the mistakes we all make in our arguments and disagreements with loved ones is bringing up the past. How many times have you been talking to your partner about an important issue, in a pleasant tone, only to have them raise their voices and complain about events that happened ages ago? Or perhaps you're the one who can't focus and constantly references past events. Either way, it's a bad habit that needs to be broken. Here are 3 reasons why you shouldn't bring up the past in arguments.

1. It creates resentment

Every time you bring up that thing your husband did 3 years ago, it not only derails the discussion, but it creates a lot of resentment. Being unable to forgive someone for the past means you're constantly rejecting that part of them. People make mistakes, it's a fact. In other for healing to occur you have to learn to let go. The next time you feel the urge to bring up something that isn't related to the discussion, stop it! You'll find that you are able to communicate much more effectively and your partner with appreciate that too.

2. It prevents the real issue from being discussed

If you're arguing about something, then it's obvious there is an underlying issue. It may not be what you think it is, but it exists nonetheless. Every time you bring up the past, you prevent discussion of what's really going on. In order for anything good to come out of a disagreement, the real issue must be kept in mind. Forget about why you started arguing, and you'll spiral off into a mindless mud slinging fest.

How many times have you forgotten the real reason that you're arguing? People can get so angry about the past that the actual reason for the argument in the first place gets completely covered up. You talk about his fling with your friend before you met, he says you have a crush on his best friend, and you find yourself so deep in mud that you can't move an inch. No movement means no progress. Watch out!

3. Your argument will never get resolved

The natural side effect of not discussing the real issue and continually bringing up the past is that the argument will never get solved. It will keep lingering on in your relationship, like a horrible chronic migraine that won't leave you alone. Worse yet, each time it returns, you probably won't even discuss the real issue. It will have been covered up by layers upon layers of past issues that also probably weren't solved for the same reason.

It's clear that in order to effectively communication, you have to remain on point. You can't keep bringing up the past and expect progress. Some of the natural outcomes of this include the build-up of resentment, prevention of key issues being discussed, and a complete lack of real problem solving. If you have an argument, focus on what it's about and solve it! The quicker you do that, the faster you can get back to what's really important: love.

Fred Tracy runs a personal development website where he shares his tips and insights about anything from inner peace and spirituality to finances and finding your purpose.

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A key "Essential" to Showing Up in one's life is that of communication. How we communicate with others, and perhaps more importantly, with ourselves requires a vital understanding of how powerfully it impacts our lives. Your success in all areas of your life is contingent on your ability to communicate effectively. Your personal relationships, home life and professional life are a reflection of your communication skills.

So often we see the personalities surface (the ego). Many organizations have taken considerable effort to identify the various personalities in hopes of creating a corporate culture that understands how to communicate with one another. However, with some training programs what ends up happening is labelling and marginalizing with "What colour are you?" Or "I am this series of letters". In the end it creates separation, and very few participants remember the character traits the exercise was meant to uncover. The communication status quo returns.

If communication, or lack there of, is a challenge for you or you then you first must understand that nothing outside of you is to blame. You and only you have the power to change your experience.

Here are the 5 Principles Of CLEAR Communication that can help you get there.

1) C - Choices: We live in a free will universe. You have the choice to have a positive or negative experience in any moment. You can choose to be the antagonist or the protagonist in every dialogue. You can choose to focus on the solution rather than the problem. When we engage another it is vital to be conscious of your feelings and how much ego you are allowing to impact your expression. Your ego is not going to like some of the choices you make and it will make damn sure you revisit your old limiting communication patterns. You are the guard at the gate to choose what thoughts get through so choose wisely.

2) L - Listening: The old adage; we have two ears and one mouth so we should be listening twice as much is so true! Listening is the most important participation activity you can do for yourself. The lack of listening is the primary reason for communication breakdowns. Do you wonder why people argue? Do you feel nagged? The reason people feel angry is because they feel they are not being heard. I'll say it again. Conflict, arguments, nagging and frustration are all the fruits of the Not Being Heard Tree. Too often, the ego will not allow the words to get past the internal filter of the "ME". How often have you sat there and half listened to someone, but were more focused on your own wants, needs and rebuttal? It happens all the time. However, you are not fooling any one. You know how it feels when you are not being heard and you know how it feels when you are truly being consciously listened to. It is a day and night experience. It happens so rarely that people are automatically drawn to a conscious listener, because of how that person made them feel.

To be a conscious listener is very simple to do, but it is not always easy if your ego is in the way. Prior to a conversation you know is coming, plan ahead and make the choice to be a conscious listener before hand. Show Up with an open body expression. Smile! Allow for the person to express, but really listen to the message. Draw out the key points with enthusiasm. "Wow" really? Tell me more about that!" "How did that make you feel?" "If you were me how would you have handled that?" Open ended questions that get them talking more makes people feel special. Open ended questions also indicate that you are listening intently, that you are truly interested. Careful though, this is a very powerful tool, be in your truth and do not fake this technique. Your character and integrity depend on it.

3) E - Expression: You have all heard that your first impression of someone is made within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. Some would say 80% is made before they even speak. So since our words make up so little of that impression, we have but a small window to make what we say count. How you express yourself when the moment arrises will either make or break their original assessment. Ask a friend or family member the truth. Ask them to give you your true impression of how others view your communication style. If they are being completely honest and your ego can handle the truth, you have a basis on where you can improve. People are drawn to people who are witty, happy and insightful. Ask yourself, what is the "take away" you want someone to have of you? Do you smile when you talk? If you are a Debbie Downer or a Sadsack Sam chances are you struggle with keeping people engaged. A good rule of thumb is to crank up your expression by one notch of enthusiasm. We typically play it too safe with our natural expression. We don't want to offend or be labelled obnoxious. That's not what I mean. Just one notch up on the enthusiasm scale will create a natural expression that is inviting and intriguing.

4) A - Accountability: Be accountable for everything you say. Nothing should come from your mouth that you wish you could retract, or delete. Words are powerful and can create great joy, bliss and respect. However, they can also cause great pain and suffering. Your word is your honour. Trust is formed by your words that spur your actions,that become your deeds. Be the person that says what the mean and means what they say. Know that there are repercussions that go on long after what you said, be it positive or negative. When you are consciously accountable for your words, you begin to choose them very carefully. Accountability is also a key part of conscious listening.

5) R - Relationships: Everything we do when it comes to communication comes down to our desire to build relationships; business relationships, romantic relationships, family relationships and friendship relationships. We all want to feel connected, and yes loved by others. Our communication outcomes are all targeted toward building a solid foundation for a relationship with another. "Relationships" brings up the rear on our list in CLEAR Communication, but not because it is valued any less. Hardly, in fact "Relationships" is the sum total of all the other principles discussed here. Our rapport building abilities come from the skill we exercise in: 1.The Choices we make. 2. How we Listen. 3.How we Express and 4. How Accountable we are when we do express. Relationships result when people feel good about being with you. What can you teach? What can you share? What can you express that will positively move you forward?

Your ability to implement the 5 Principles of CLEAR Communication will have a profound impact on how you Show Up in both your personal and professional life.

Show Up for your life and Life will Show Up for you!