On the Brink of A Relationship Break Up? What To Do Next

If you are now facing rocky times in your relationship, you could very well be on the brink of a break up. What can you do to bring it back?

The first step is to take inventory - what is going on in your relationship and why? It is critical to identify the internal workings of your relationship and your persistent communication patterns. These paterns run deep and have a tremendous impact on how each discussion tends to go. You might already be aware of the communication grooves that run deep in your long-term relationship.

The fact is that your relationship is in its current state due to the sum total of things that were said and things that were done in the past. When you look back over the past few weeks, identify the tone and the trend in your relationship communications. Were the past few interactions respectful? Constructive? Healing? Or, not so much? If you continue on your current trajectory, then where you will your relationship be?

Explore Your Communication Patterns

Many couples settle into a predictable pattern in their communications. How would you characterize your communication pattern?

Do the same set of issues keep coming up repeatedly?
Or is it multiple issues that seem to defy resolution?
Are you able to talking civilly about the key issues?
Or has communication all but shut down?
Are your love's core values significantly different from your own?
Are you truly compatible in likes and interests?
Are you truly on the brink?

The Most Important Element

What's most important right now is to decide whether you both truly want to reconcile. Without that joint commitment, the relationship is on shaky ground. And even if you both want to reconcile, do you want to reconcile with the same relative intensity? This indicates the level of balance in your relationship. If one is very eager to reconcile and the other one is indifferent, your relationship is on very uneven footing. Resolve this difference before you move forward with your reconciliation efforts.

Your relationship affects every dimension of your health and happiness; it makes a great deal of difference when you are happy and secure in your relationship. So what will it take for you to get your relationship back on track? If you are truly on the brink, step back and think. Take some time, get some perspective.
What values matter to both of you (e.g., honesty, fidelity, compassion)?

What is truly at stake here? What does your relationship mean to you?
What was you life like before this relationship?
How has this relationship benefited you?
How have your lives become intertwined?
What do you see in your future?

Where to Start

Key aspects of your relationship need to be explored through calm, considerate conversation. Core values hold the key to your relationship; if your core values are aligned it significantly increases your chances of success.

Another step involves re-opening the lines of respectful conversation. Having a calm,issues-oriented conversation can shed new light on your on-going relationship problems. Think back to the last time that you had a curious considerate conversation? Now set up a conflict-free zone where any issue can be brought up in a non-combative manner. Dedicate 30 minutes to get to the bottom of each issue with no interruptions. If you are unable to resolve an issue in a single session - decide together what your options are going forward, including:

Let it go
More discussion
More research
Resolve it.

If more information is needed, set a date and time to proceed. Both of you need to agree to wait until that assigned time to bring this particular issue up again. Both of you need to commit to an ambush-free zone. You will discover that when you establish a safe communication environment, many more relationship issues can be discussed and resolved BEFORE they erupt into a full-scale argument.

If you are working through a relationship break up - or if you are trying to avoid one - respectful communication can make a big difference in your outlook and in your results.

Just Say No to the Status QuoTM

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How to Attract Women - You Are The PRIZE!

Usually when a guy looks at a woman that he finds attractive, he immediately starts to associate her with being some kind of a "prize" that he wants to win. You may have heard in romance movies a line where the guy will describe his girlfriend as being a gift that he has to cherish or something to that effect. Well, that sounds sweet and everything, but if that is the attitude that you take when trying to attract a woman... You are going to have a tough time and be in for a rude awakening.

When attracting a woman, you have to start to think of yourself as being the prize and not the other way around. Let me give a brief explanation as to why this is.

When you think of a woman as being the prize, your behavior around her is going to follow suit. You are going to spend all of your time and your energy trying hard to "win" her, and neglect to spend any time at all attracting her using natural methods of attraction.

Here's how to start thinking of yourself as being the prize and not the other way around:

1. The way that you think has to change.

You cannot be so grateful to be in the presence of a woman that you are willing to do anything that you can think of to try and make her like you. If you get caught up thinking like this, your wallet will empty, your ego will get fractured, and you will still end up going home alone for the night. You have to start to think of it being the other way around and that the woman should be grateful for meeting you. This line of thinking will instantly change the way that you behave and give you a much needed shot of confidence.

2. You need to stop worrying about what she is going to think of you.

If you are caught up in worrying about what a woman thinks of you, then you are going to end up getting caught right back in the cycle where she is the prize and you are the jester that is there to put on a show for her. It does not matter really what she thinks of you. Come from a mindset of abundance and realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that you can attract another woman if things don't work out with this one.

3. You need to be able to SHOW HER that she is entering YOUR world.

How do you do this? You don't care about what she thinks of you, and you take her out to places where you feel comfortable. When she is in your environment, there is a "power" shift. She will feel like she has to be the one that wins you over and pleases you. This is how you really begin the shift from thinking of her as the prize into yourself as being the prize.

Want to get more advanced tips on how to attract women and make women see YOU as the prize?

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Dump That Zero and Get a Hero! Overcoming the Temptations of the Single Girl

Do you know this guy or are you dating him? He’s hot, he’s charming, and he makes your skin tingle. When he touches you or kisses you, you turn into a big hormonal puddle. Anything he wants from you, you give, and usually that involves a hot night in the sheets. There’s just one problem: he has a huge fatal flaw that acts as an enormous block to a happy life together. He may feel like a soul mate, but he’s really your nemesis.

Who is he? He’s the Wounded Guy. You feel an adrenaline rush when you’re with him, but later, upon reflection, you see his love-killing flaw(s) - any one or a combination of the following:

• He’s divorced and can’t even think about marriage again

• He drinks too much and/or uses drugs, smokes too much pot, etc.

• He struggles with career and money

• He uses porn – strip clubs, internet porn, magazines, hookers

• He’s unfocused – has no real goals, drifts in life, makes no plans

• He’s insecure – can’t handle it when you go out with girlfriends, even though you’re loyal and true

• He’s not divorced yet, though he talks about leaving his wife

• He’s afraid of commitment – wants his “freedom” and wants you too

• He’s a player – he’s dated more women than he can count, but wants you to think it will be “different” with you

• He has a trail of broken relationships behind, with a long list of all the other women’s character flaws; reading between the lines, you see that he doesn’t treat women with dignity and respect or hold them in high regard

The Wounded Guy has baggage – lots of it. Everyone has emotional baggage, but there’s a difference between carry on luggage and steamer trunks! What separates the Wounded Guy from the rest is that he uses his past, his issues, and his challenges as a “free pass” on responsibility in life. His life history is one big “get out of jail free” card that he plays to avoid making a commitment to you or to avoid doing the right thing (i.e., get a job, get off of the substances, get a divorce, etc.).

The Wounded Guy is non-intentional about his life. Instead of embracing his challenges, taking responsibility and carving out a better life, he waffles, avoids, blames, and collapses. Instead of stepping up to the plate and loving you with all of his heart, he draws close to get his needs met, and then backs away when you need something. For you, he’s a zero, not a hero. He ultimately takes away rather than adding to your life.

What attracts you to the Wounded Guy? Why do so many smart women choose men who can’t or won’t love them, commit to them, and create a good life together? The answers – the temptations of the single girl – will set you free from this destructive dating trap. In a nutshell, you’re tempted by the wounded guy and you’re tempted by high risk relationships. You have a tendency to get sexual way too soon, and then rush into relationships without using your brain. You have sacrificed your authentic voice, denied your true desires, and taken the lead instead of taking your cues. All of these temptations, and more, are your downfall. Why? Because you didn’t know that succumbing to the temptations of the single girl would lead you down a path of self-destruction. No one taught us these things, not until now.

It’s never too late to choose a brand new, fulfilling path! You can, by taking stock, defining clearly what you want, including the kind of character you want in a man, and then using a powerful dating process that is guaranteed to produce the results you want.

Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid is a short, engaging modern day parable with life-changing lessons for dating and selecting your life partner. It’s the story of Kelly, a charming, pretty everywoman, whose dating foibles make it safe for you to see yourself and change. You’ll cringe at her choices, feel moved by her ah-ha moments, and cheer her triumphs over disastrous love relationships turned positive. Through Kelly’s story, you’ll re-define your path, and soon find yourself with a good guy who will be your loving soul partner – your hero - for life.

Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a licensed therapist with over twenty years experience, the published author of four self-books on relationships, and host of the hit website Singlescoach®. Nina’s blog on Singlescoach® is accessed by thousands of singles daily. Nina is one of the foremost authorities on the intricacies of dating and love relationships. She’s been featured in innumerable national magazines and newspapers, on radio hundreds of times, and on national and regional television. Nina’s newest book, Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid (Wheatmark, 2007), was just released to rave reviews.

Attention Singles! Essential Dating Tips About Setting Boundaries

If your life is filled with more of what you don't want and not enough of what you do want, it's time to set your boundaries.

Setting and keeping your boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are among the most challenging and confusing behaviors in relationships. Boundaries are innate and natural to everyone. Each of you has your own internal indicator of when a boundary is being violated. A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt or outrage inside you.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

Boundaries define a person's sense of self (i.e., who he or she is as an individual). As a single man or woman in the dating world, setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you and allows you to feel safe in your environment; no matter where you decide to go. It is a way to exhibit self-respect, thereby increasing the respect shown to you by others.

Boundaries…

· Help other people know how to treat you

· Define your sense of self

· Delineate how much you have to give of time, money or energy

· Are dividing lines between you and everyone else that represents both physical and emotional limits others may not violate

· Separate your needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings from those of other people.

WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE?

Each of us experiences our reality in four ways:

· Body - what we look like

· Thinking - how we give meaning to incoming data

· Feelings - our emotional response

· Behavior - what we do or don't do

When you’re single and meeting lots of new men and women it is essential to pay attention to your actions and reactions and your interactions with others.

Intact boundaries give you a measured protection to your body, thinking, feelings and behaviors as you evaluate and assess the words and actions of other people in your life. You filter your experiences through your cognitive mind and your feelings.

Through the use of your boundaries you determine which words and actions you will accept and which you will block when they are unacceptable.

We set boundaries to protect our body, thinking, feelings and behavior.

Again, when you’re single, dating and meeting lots of new people, being willing and able to set and maintain your boundaries is essential to your personal safety – physically, mentality and emotionally.

If you are not certain about the behaviors of others that are acceptable and unacceptable to you, then how will you be able to (1) know that you are not being treated with kindness and respect; and (2) how will you say “no” to the bad behaviors that put you at risk, physically, mentally and/or emotionally?

We all know single men and women who repeatedly give people they date the benefit of the doubt; or make excuses for bad behavior over and over again. When you set and keep your boundaries and honor the boundaries of others you will be proactive; able to act on your own behalf; say your real “yes” and your real “no” with clarity and confidence; and keep yourself safe!

· What are your boundaries?

· Where do you draw the line?

· How do you react when someone sets a boundary and asks you to honor it?

Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill that you can learn; a skill that will feel more and more comfortable the more you put these behaviors in action; and a skill that, as a single person, you will come to depend on to help you sort all the experiences that you will have with the new people you are meeting.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2008

We grant permission to republish with the following appropriate attribution:

By: Jackie Black, PH.D.

Relationship Educator, Author and Coach

www.DrJackieBlack.com

Jackie Black, Ph.D., dubbed the Love and Relationship Doctor by Cosmo U.K., knows that “Love is never enough!” Dr. Jackie is the author of Meeting Your Match: Cracking the code to successful relationships and the principal of the IdealMatchCoachingClub.com, serving singles who are tired of dating in the same old way; and ready to learn and practice essential relationship success skills. Dr. Jackie is an a popular Internet syndicated writer; podcaster, distributes her monthly Relationship Tips Sheet to people in over 38 countries; is a frequent contributor to magazines; and is a regular guest on radio shows across North America.