However, to fully move on with your life either with the individual who had betrayed you or by yourself, forgiveness is key. You maybe familiar with the following statements, “Forgive the other person, in order to move on”; or, “Forgiving the other person is not about them”; and “Forgiveness is about you”. All of those statements imply on a conscious level that you need to forgive the other person before you can move on. On a subconscious level, all those statements ignore you and they do make forgiveness about the other person. The encompassing and accurate statement is, “Forgiveness begins with you”.
When you have experienced the betrayal of a loved one it is easy to get caught up in seeing what they are doing or not doing. You may complain to anyone who will listen and your friends being as sympathetic as they are will listen and empathize and even get angry with you. They too will help you to lament the betrayal of the other person. The truth is, you are not really angry at what the other person did, you are angry that you were there in the first place. But because it is so painful to admit your position in the relationship you focus on the behaviour of the other person who had betrayed you.
In no way is this discounting the betrayal of the other person. However, after you have complained sufficiently, it is time to take a look at you. We are our biggest critic. The betrayal may hurt deeply, but not as much as how we are beating up on ourselves. You hate yourself for loving the person, trusting the person and believing in him or her. Hatred, especially self-hatred, is a poisonous emotion. We beat up on ourselves instead of crying. You want to be strong. You don’t want to lose control. You are adamant about not allowing someone to make you break-down. As long as you take that stance, you will never mend your heart or the relationship. Right about now, you maybe thinking that you do not want the relationship anymore and rightly so. For as long as the pain is still in your body, you will not want anything more to do with the person or the relationship.
For those who have forgiven others in order to let go and move on, if they have not done the proper healing and forgiving, all they have done is suppress the betrayal. They may have felt that they have forgiven and moved on, but on a subconscious level they haven’t. For you to truly heal and move on, forgiveness begins with you. Forgive yourself first. It does not begin with forgiving the other person. Forgiving someone else is not your responsibility. It is their responsibility to forgive themselves. This maybe the reason why some individuals have a difficult if not impossible time forgiving those that betrayed them. If you have not forgiven yourself first, there is no way you will be able truly move forward in your life. You will be stuck in the pain, anger and hurt. How do you begin forgiving yourself?
How do you heal? Well, you need to feel the pain of the betrayal. Before forgiveness happens, there has to be healing. Crying is pain leaving the body. Therefore, crying is cathartic. Feel the pain of your hurt. Write out your thoughts. You also should not go through this alone. Call upon a trusted friend who will be loving, understanding and also objective to help see you through the pain. It is okay to call someone else to talk to if you feel that a particular individual is not being supportive. If the pain is too much to bear please see a Professional who is trained in these matters. There is nothing to ashamed of. Your emotional health takes precedent over any societal stigma. You are also not under any obligation to share your decision to see a Professional with families and friends who may criticize you or look down on you. If your family or friends are criticizing your decision to see a Professional, out of love for your health it is ok to stop sharing with them. Take long or short walks out in nature to help clear your head. Being out in the open with the sounds of nature can also be healing. If you love to dance, listen to music, or anything else artistic and creative, by all means utilize those avenues to assist in your healing. The brain responds to creative stimulants.
Only you can know when the pain is out of your body and it is only then will you be ready to forgive yourself, grow stronger and become more powerful within yourself. Once you have forgiven yourself, you have released any need to forgive the other person. It is up to that individual to work on forgiving themselves for their behaviour. When you have forgiven yourself, you are not holding any pain, anger or grudge within you. You are now free.
Trudy-Ann Ewan is a Motivational Speaker, Author and Coach, who is passionate about helping individuals create their passionate life. She motivates and educates individuals on how to fall in love with themselves and create a balanced and (w)holistic life by developing a better relationship with themselves without judgment. Download a free sample copy of her new E-Book “Unleashing Your Passionate Self - Discover the YOU Within” when you sign up for the free Create Your Passion Monthly Newsletter at: http://www.createyourpassion.com
