What Matters To You

What Matters To You
By Heidi Cornelissen


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I forgot a friend’s birthday this month. A friend that I’ve known for over 20 years.

I really have no excuse, as it just so happens that 7 birthdays of close friends and family fall in the first week of January. So I’m usually prepared for this week and quite aware of each birthday on each day. But this year, I slipped up with her birthday which fell on the Saturday.

So, early on the Sunday morning (my time) I received a text message asking, “Are you OK? Just wondering why you forgot my birthday.”

I felt terrible!
But at the same time also a little in awe at her response. She was concerned, not angry.
She could’ve been hurt, upset or chosen to sulk with me, but didn’t. Instead her initial reaction was the question “Are you OK?”

Why I particularly noticed this was because I’ve come across the flip side of this situation. I’ve seen someone who received multitudes of Facebook messages, calls and emails on her birthday – choose instead to focus her attention on being angry at the one person who hadn’t contacted her.
Aren’t we funny beings?

It’s a fact that when you’re remembered, you feel important and that you matter. You feel that you’re worth remembering.
To better understand this, ask yourself, ‘When you’ve been forgotten, how do you feel?’
But remember, as always that in every situation you have a choice as to how you behave. Although you may FEEL hurt, THINK they’ve forgotten you – your response to all of this is your CHOICE.
Yes - A conscious choice.

So how do you react when you feel hurt or hard-done-by?
Is it because you feel that others don’t treat you correctly? They don’t treat you as you feel you ‘should be’ treated? Should be treated according to your own standards and expectations.

It’s a natural part of our human existence to have expectations of others. (Remembering friends’ birthdays is one of them). With my coaching clients, this often comes up as one of many self-imposed ‘rules’ for being good.

But once again, as with behavioural choice, how you handle the expectations you place on others says more about you than the actual event or interaction does. For example, the way my friend responded to me says volumes more about her love, compassion, understanding and maturity than it does about my forgetfulness. Or about the fact that I could be considered a ‘bad friend’.
Her first point of call was concern and love. She assumed something had happened instead of engaging in a pity-party with herself. She felt no need to subtly ‘punish’ me. Calling this punishment may strike you as being extreme, but if you’re honest you’ll admit that it’s not an unfamiliar response to feeling hurt.
Humans are for the most part sensitive creatures who feel hurt quite easily. If you’ve taken something on board and feeling hurt, have a look at how your perception of yourself has been quashed. It is natural instinct to want to make yourself feel better.

Feeling like this merely means that you’re allowing someone else’s opinion about who you are to matter more than your own opinion. You’re allowing yourself to believe that you’re (a) unliked (b) unwanted (c) unaccepted (d) not good enough (e) unimportant or (f) anything else that may be relevant to you.

The sad truth however is that being hurt often develops (an oftentimes subconscious) need to retaliate.
Retaliation can range from simple gossiping or sulking to pre-meditated revenge.
Sounds a bit like a playground doesn’t it?

Take this opportunity to have a look at how you behave in circumstances of hurt:
• How do you choose to respond?
• Is there currently anything that you feel ‘hard-done by’? Does it serve you or can you let it go?
• What expectations do you hold regarding how people should treat- and think about you?
• Where are you choosing to invest your energy and focus? Is it worth it?

Wouldn’t it just be easier to approach things with Love & Compassion as an instinctual response instead of spending so much energy protecting yourself from hurts?
Dr Wayne Dyer often says “What other people think of you is none of your business”.
It’s important to rely on your own self. To build your own trust.

Stephanie Dowrick says that inner trust makes the difference to being happy. Not only trust in what the world can see, but in who you most fundamentally are; a being of intrinsic value.

I’d add onto that and say that inner trust makes all the difference to happiness, success, love, personal freedom and authenticity.
And aren’t these the things that really matter, instead?

Stephanie Dowrick explains further that ‘Building trust from the inside out, self-knowledge frees you from the prison of self-absorption and the pain of constant self-questioning.’
Doesn’t that add value to the childhood saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words (or behaviours) can never hurt me’?

How would you like to change your pre-conditioned playground behaviour and rather build firm foundations based on who you really are – valuing all the parts of yourself?
Give yourself permission to be everything. Even the forgetful part!
And then, miraculously, from that platform your first instinctual reaction to feelings of rejection or hurt becomes love, concern and compassion for others.

Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.
John N Mitchell


Find out more about Completely Human with its services & products on www.completelyhuman.com.

How To Deal With Angry And Negative People

We often come across people who for no good reason treat us badly, not that there is ever a good reason. People who behave in this way, who attack verbally or on a personal level are really seeking acknowledgment and approval within themselves. By outwardly pushing they are trying to attain a level of completeness in themselves. For example, as you cross the street someone unjustifiably honks in anger, where does this come from and why is it directed at you? It makes you feel bad but what it really is, is this other person pushing outwards because they are in need. If someone acknowledges you with anger, thrusting negative energy at you, know it is from inside themselves that they are not happy. This other person knows they need something; they are unsatisfied and are then frustrated. You are dealing with someone who is basically screaming for help through their actions.

They need and want approval of who they are, believing if they get a reaction out of someone they will feel better. But of course all they are really doing is throwing anger and negative thoughts onto others. Their frustration level is so high at life, at themselves, at not knowing why, that it spills outwards. Now usually the response they receive is worse than they put out and it feeds the cycle. When a neighbor is rude do you not feel the same response wanting to get out, that because they were rude, so it is justified in you? You can see the spiral of unhappiness and how it feeds on itself. Instead, look at the random acts of anger and frustration you feel from others as not personal, it is not directed at you intentionally. Instead, if you can, see it as a sadness overflowing from that person, that they so need acknowledgment and help that this is their only method of coping. And that is all it is- a method, one of relating with the world in an effort to feel better. True, it has the opposite effect and doesn’t really give that person what they need. But for you, when you relate to this other person, when you feel their anger and judgment, just remember it is not you but rather them that is feeling it all.

They are full of sadness entrenched so deeply that they are coming from a place without clarity and do not fully see you. How can you help them? This is the best way to help yourself; smile and let their comment or action slide off. Do not take in the anger, do not return it, do not let it become more than it is. It is their problem spilling outwards. Calmly realize this, that it is not about you but them. When you can come from a place of acknowledging their issues it becomes easier to deal with these types of people. It is not your job to take this from people, a smile and letting go is all you need. If they see their anger not being accepted, not turned around and thrust back at them but rather a small moment of kindness, it may stop them in that moment- they will feel it. Instead of holding it in or giving it back, simply smile and walk on. It will make it easier to deal with these types of people and not let their negativity override and become part of you.

I found myself from a very early age always seeking, on a constant quest to understand. I feel most comfortable learning and this desire correlates with a need to connect and help others. That is why in the beginning I chose acupuncture as a career, it seemed like a perfect fit. But I found a lack of compassion directed towards the center of being, not only in myself but others. I ended up in a situation that changed all this. I found who I was and who I am meant to be. It all clicked and came together. My desire for knowledge and eternal desire to really see and help others has brought me to this place in time, to this place with you. Allow me to help you feel complete, like stepping into that perfect spot, that place meant for you in your own life. Connect and feel the difference not only in yourself but in world around you.
Receive guidance and insight to your questions about how to become your true self, understand your destiny, and find peace at Answers in Writing.